Pope Benedict XVI Having Trouble Readjusting to Fallibility

Benedict XVI is consoled after realizing he may start losing at Jeopardy. (Image)

VATICAN CITY – After spending nearly eight years as the Roman Catholic pontiff, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI has spent the two weeks since his resignation from the highest position in the Catholic Church struggling with the notion that he is no longer infallible, according to sources close to the situation.

Benedict XVI, who enjoyed almost a decade during which he could express opinions with the confidence that they were indisputably correct, has reportedly found his renewed imperfection troubling and inconvenient.

“It’s truly sad to see how far he’s fallen,” said a source with knowledge of the former Pope’s descent into the hopelessly ordinary ability to have faults.  “Just the other day I watched him absolutely butcher a crossword puzzle.  I mean it’s one thing to be the one true mouthpiece for our Lord and Savior, but ask the guy to think of a six letter word for 'prophylactic' and he’ll sit there and scribble 'abstinence' until he’s just about ready to piss in his robes.”

A Page From the Diary of Punxsutawney Phil

Looks like it's gonna be 6 more weeks of look-for-your-own-fucking-shadow (Image)

Saturday, February 2^nd, 2013

Dear Diary,

It’s here again.  It’s that day where they drag me from my home and grope me in front of everyone.

I’m starting to forget what things were like before they captured me.  For the first few years of my life I was a free groundhog.  I spent my days scurrying about, munching on berries, alfalfa, and maybe the occasional grasshopper if I was feeling adventurous.  That’s what us groundhogs do, we scurry.  Sure, that’s kind of a gay way to travel, but it works for us.  Besides, back in the day I used to pull so much hoary marmot tail that I got nicknamed the “Whistle-Pig.”  I never understood why they called me that, but it’s neither here nor there.  The take home message of this paragraph is that bitches love my scurryin’.

An Incomplete Guide to the Mayan Apocalypse

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Depending upon who you talk to, the world may or may not meet its apocalyptic doom on Friday.  If you’re talking to someone with critical thinking skills, their plans for Friday may include going to class or work, finishing up holiday shopping, seeing friends and loved ones,  and drinking heavily.  If you’re talking with someone without critical thinking skills, their Friday agenda may substitute the “going to class or work” for “sharpening knifes or loading guns” and “holiday shopping” might involve less Xbox games and more dehydrated meats.  Also, “seeing friends and loved ones” will occur in a bunker.  Drinking heavily will likely happen regardless.

The reason for the impending apocalyptic hullabaloo, which has grown steadily in recent years, has mainly to do with a severe lack of fact-checking and a gross misunderstanding about how calendars work.  Seeing as I once wrote a term paper on Mayan cosmology in college and also have access to Google, I feel that it is my duty to give a little background on the impending Mayan doomsday and set the record straight.  I did concerningly little fact-checking of my own while writing this piece, but since I’m sure that I’ve still done more of it than the people who expect the world to end on Friday, I really don’t feel bad about that.

Local Turkey Wondering Where the Hell Everybody Went

An area turkey was reportedly seen wandering around aimlessly today wondering where the hell everybody went.

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The turkey, who goes by Marty, says that he has fallen out of touch with many of his friends and family over the past weeks and months, and in recent days has not seen or heard from anyone.

“It’s to the point that I’m wondering if I’m actually supposed to be a migratory bird and no one ever told me,” Marty said to reporters today while not covered in gravy.  “Every year when the leaves change and it begins to get cold all of my peers seem to start disappearing.”

I Voted!: A Story of the Democratic Process

Just wanted everyone to know... (Image)

My plan for casting my ballot on Election Day was simple: I knew the polls opened at 7:00 a.m. and I wanted to be one of the first in line so that I could get in, get out, and get on with my day.  This is my story...

7:08 A.M. – I awake to sun shining through my window and quickly realizing that the cell phone I use as an alarm had likely died during the night, and that my plan to breeze through the day’s democratic process might be completely fucked.

I'm a Leaf. Please Stop Watching Me Die.

How 'bout you make make like a tree and stop friggin' staring at me? (Image)

What the fuck are you staring at?

Yeah, you, with the spotless North Face jacket and the brand new pair of hiking boots.  I’m talking to you.

It’s been almost twenty minutes and you’re still standing there, holding your girlfriend in your arms, lovingly rubbing her shoulders to keep her warm, and gazing at me with gleeful awe like a recently adopted street urchin in an adequately-stocked kitchen.  You know it’s not even cold outside, right?

Some of the evergreens warned me this would happen.  I’ve been riding high for the past six months, soaking in the rays and trippin’ on chlorophyll.  But they told me the fun was going to end eventually.  As soon as the days got shorter and those cold nights set in they knew things were going to change.  And they knew you’d coming running to watch the horror unfold.  And you’d savor it.  You sick fucks.

Missouri Congressman Baffled That His Brain Doesn't Secrete Substance That Makes Him Shut the Hell Up

Missouri Congressman Todd Akin (Image)

Missouri Congressman Todd Akin (R) released a statement today expressing his sincere confusion in regards to the inner workings of the human brain.

Akin, who angered many Americans this past weekend when he said that the female body is unable to conceive a child when legitimately raped, expressed genuine concern about his remarks.

"For me to state that a woman's body shuts down all reproductive processes when being raped was both troubling and confusing," Akin said.  "The fact that my brain did not secrete some sort of chemical to prevent these words from audibly exiting my face is extremely disconcerting."

Akin, a 65-year-old U.S. Representative challenging Democrat Claire McCaskill for her seat in the U.S. Senate this November, asked for privacy during this difficult time.

Wake the Fuck Up

Last summer I was perusing the bookshelves at Barnes & Noble and stumbled across a book in the bestseller section that caught my attention.  It was a tongue-in-cheek bedtime story written from the point of view of a frustrated parent.  The story was called "Go the Fuck to Sleep", and it pissed me off.

I read through the story without a hint of amusement.  That book, I later learned, had debuted at #1 on the New York Times Bestseller list, and I was convinced I could have written the shit out of it.  You know...if I had thought of it first.

I endlessly lamented that missed opportunity for a year.  However, I eventually came to terms with the fact that I had never been a parent, and therefore had not experienced what it was like to make a child shut its adorable little face and got to bed.  Nor did I have any memories of being a child that refused to slumber.  But I do have recollection of being a teenager, and what a pain in the nuts I probably was when I declined to drag my ass out of bed in the morning.  So, for the sake of a sequel, I present to you my contribution to frustrated parents of lazy teenagers everywhere.  Read in the voice of Morgan Freeman for maximum enjoyment.

"Wake the Fuck Up"

An Ode to Non-Fathers Day

Do you like my mustache, ladies? Too bad, you can't have it. (Image)

In 1972, Father’s Day was celebrated as an official national holiday in the United States for the first time.  Seen as a landmark equal rights victory by many men who were most likely not married or fathers, the day became an official holiday over 58 years after the inauguration of Mother’s Day by that pussy-whipped feminist Woodrow Wilson.  And while many fathers across the country and across the world have made countless positive impacts worthy of praise, let’s not pretend that they are not without their flaws.  Fathers have overshadowed many other men throughout history, and have made life a virtually thankless journey for those who have chosen not to reproduce, or, through the cruel process of natural selection, have had nature choose that path for them.  You know, because they're ugly.

Fathers, while certainly an important part of a child’s life, are not infallible.  Before crowning them as kings and kissing their feet, we cannot forget their potential for harm and wrongdoing.  Fathers have, among other misdeeds, raped, killed, and stolen, and are at least partly to blame for the Holocaust, Osama Bin Laden, and Justin Bieber.  Fathers have refused to tell us they are proud of us.  They have forgotten to call on our birthdays.  Fathers have drank too much and thrown up on the kitchen floor, and then used the cat to wipe it up.  I can’t prove that last one, but sometimes we just need to play the numbers and rest assured that based on probability, a drunken father has, at some point, used the family pet as a ShamWow.  It’s a statistical fact.

Should You Wear Pants Today?