Thursday, July 30, 2015

NFL's Suspension of Tom Brady A Victory For Equal Rights

The National Football League issued a decision Tuesday to uphold a four game suspension which had previously been handed down to New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for allegedly directing team personnel to deflate footballs to his liking prior to last year’s AFC Championship Game against the Indianapolis Colts.

Tom Brady points out a football he considers to be overweight. (Photo by Keith Allison)
The NFL’s ruling regarding Tom Brady’s suspension is a bold one that sends a clear message to players and their families.  For many years, star athletes have been given preferential treatment and lenient punishments for committing violent, prejudiced, or demeaning acts.  In the case of Tom Brady’s recent suspension, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has finally put his foot down and taken a necessary and groundbreaking stand in favor of a group that has long been ostracized and belittled, and whose members are constantly treated like objects:  Footballs.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

50 Shades of Grey

Chainmail: Effectively protects against swords, arrows, and sexual intercourse (Image).
1.) Grey

2.) Light Grey

3.) Heather Grey

4.) Dark Grey

5.) Medium Granite

6.) Non-Blue Steel

7.) Muted Silver

8.) Sun-faded Asphalt

9.) No. 2 Ticonderoga Graphite

10.) Salad Fork

11.) Moon

12.) Pale Charcoal

13.) Rhodium

14.) Hound Bus

15.) Mid-life Crisis Grey

16.) George Clooney Grey

17.) Smog

18.) Frostbite Grey

19.) No, Seriously, You Should Really Get That Checked Out Grey

20.) Ominous Cumulonimbus

21.) Corpse

22.) Area of Ambiguity

23.) Charging, Rabid Rhinoceros

24.) Midnight Alabaster

25.) Macbook Pro

26.) Fresh, Unstabbed Chainmail

27.) Penitentiary Razor Wire

28.) Sharknado

29.) Shamelessly Gratuitous Sex Scene Shown In Black And White To Make It Seem Artistic


31.) Crushed Political Opposition Grey

32.) Albino Black Hole

33.) Jersey Barrier

34.) Monochromatic Double Rainbow

35.) Volcano Ejaculate

36.) Patient Gunpowder

37.) Adolescent Despair

38.) Amputated Wolf Paw

39.) Smoke From A Burning Orphanage

40.) London

41.) That Liam Neeson Movie

42.) Dust Bunny

43.) Melted Zebra

44.) Anderson Cooper's Brooding Love Gaze

45.) Robot Blood

46.) Laundry Lint Laced With Traces of Sweatshop Tears

47.) Poached Elephant

48.) Really Good Platinum

49.) Really Bad Steak

50.) That Travesty of Writing by E.L. James

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Area Man Inconsolable After Learning He Likes a One Direction Song

Image Credit
OLYMPIA, WA -- An area man is beside himself with grief Thursday after learning that a song he recently took a liking to is actually "Story of My Life" sung by the British boy band One Direction.

Witnesses say that Phillip Larson has not left his home since Monday night after conducting an internet search of lyrics he heard on the radio some hours before.  A source close to the situation indicated that the search term in question was "these words will be written on my stone," while others insist via social media the phrase Larson Googled was more likely "which song should I listen to so that my balls will shrivel up into tiny little bitch raisins?"

Thursday, February 6, 2014

From the Diary of Vladimir Putin

Dear Diary,
Threateningly eying a rainbow at the World Economic Forum (Image)

I can't believe that the Olympics are finally here.  I'm so excited my hand was shaking this morning while I was drinking my glass of breakfast vodka.  My hand shakes like that every morning.  But I'm pretty sure today it was because of the excitement, as opposed to the tremors of nightly alcohol withdrawal which cause it most mornings.

I really hope the Olympics go well.  I know that aside from vodka, the Siberian Tiger, and Mila Kunis there are few perfect things in this world.  However, it is my hope that the Sochi Olympics could rival these things.  I had a dream last night that I shot a rainbow, so I think that's a good sign of things to come.  I hate rainbows.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Instagram Announces "Selfie" Exhibit Will Replace Famous Rembrandt Collection At Metropolitan Museum of Art

Rembrandt's Self-portrait in a cap from 1630 is believed to be the first known "duck face."
In a controversial announcement made Wednesday evening, New York City's Metropolitan Museum of Art has confirmed that it has reached a deal with Instagram to curate an exhibit exploring the social media movement of "selfies."

The exhibit, which will aim to portray the complexity of narcissistic vanity in a fast-paced, technological age, will be replacing the long-celebrated collection of Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn, a seventeenth century Dutch painter known for creating over one hundred self-portraits, considered by some to be a depressingly laborious, pre-photographic study of aging.

"We're thrilled that the Metropolitan Museum of Art has agreed to host our collection of artwork," Instagram said via press release.  "The 'Selfies' exhibit celebrates an autobiographical artistic expression that pushes the boundaries of what famous portraitists like Rembrandt were able to achieve, while also placing the chance to partake in a prominent art form within reach of pretty much anybody with thumbs."

The collection, which debuts this weekend with a "#selfiesunday" gala honoring influential portraitists contributing to the movement, will feature live photographic exhibitions from Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian, neither of whom have explicitly agreed to remain clothed during their performances.

Notable works to be featured in the exhibit include Girl in the Bathroom Mirror by xoTammy93, Cute Hair, Don't Care by UrBoyfriendsGF, and the controversial selfie Mo'fuckin Swole by ShitSonMahAbzGotAbz, which features a young man flexing topless in a gym locker room while an elderly, naked man in the background grabs his love handles in a dejection that captures the shattering of a fragile and shapeless self-esteem.  Experts have described the juxtaposition of these two men as something ranging from "a nuanced, articulate expression of the human image" to "just another dickhead eye-fucking his own torso."

Thursday, January 2, 2014

2013: A Year in Review

At the commencement of each calendar year, our focus shifts from remembering what caused the last twelve months to be memorable, to making ambitious promises to ourselves and our families which will inevitably fade into obscurity after a few weeks good-ish faith efforts.  The past year brought personal challenges--and hopefully some personal victories--to most, and provided culturally pertinent events to those with access to media, literacy, and an attention span.  Now, with promises of finally trying hot yoga and short distance jogging on the horizon, we look back at a retrospect of what made 2013 so sadly, triumphantly, and frustratingly memorable.

Chelyabinsk Meteor
On February 15, 2013, a meteor believed to be approximately 20 meters (or ~10.94 fathoms) in diameter exploded in the Earth's atmosphere above Russia.  While many around the world watched countless videos captured by the dashboard cameras of Russian vehicles and grappled with the idea that we are all pointlessly arrogant specks of carbon who will inevitably one day fall victim to the sociopathic entropy of the universe, many more wondered why the hell there are so many dashboard cameras in Russia.  The answer?  Because the #4 pastime in Russian following vodka, gymnastics, and topless horseback riding is insurance fraud.

Boston Marathon Bombings
When two homemade bombs exploded near the finish line of the 2013 Boston Marathon, a city and a country experienced both the highs and lows of which humanity is capable.  Photos and stories surfaced of people running towards the explosions to help, spectators tending to victims, and marathon participants running and additional 1.5 miles to Massachusetts General Hospital to donate blood.  When the dust cleared, the manhunt ended, catchphrases were hijacked by local sports fans, and generalized Muslim insensitivities began to recede back to normal, but likely still inappropriate levels, Boston began to grieve, and already sedentary Americans were left with yet another reason not to get off the couch.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Should You Post That on the Internet?

Since last week's informative teaching tool was obscured with things like sarcasm, satire, and comparing the internet to herpes, this week we explore a straight-forward, no-frills way to determine if that thing that you're planning on posting on the internet is something that you should actually post on the internet.  Complete with arrows so you won't get lost.  If you do get lost, just assume you shouldn't post things on the internet.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Kids, We Need to Talk About the Internet

Thaddeus, Abigael, sit down.  I think we should talk.

Could you put your cell phones down while we talk, please?

No, I'm serious.  Guys, put down the phones.  In fact, turn off the ringers; I want your undivided attention.  Come on, and the notifications too.  Honestly, guys.  Just shove them under a pillow or something and don't look at them.  Five minutes.  That's all I ask.  I promise the resulting twitching will stop eventually.

Where do I even start?  I'm mostly very proud of you two.  You're both starting to grow up to become mature young adults.  I can't wait to support you guys as you try new things, stretch your comfort zones, and hopefully not end up like Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber.  Thaddeus, you just made the football team, which will teach you discipline, the values of teamwork, and what two or three undiagnosed concussions feel like.  Abigael, you've dived head first into your art classes and been involved in a lot of neat stuff.  I'm so proud of your ability to express yourself in such unique ways, even if it will most likely interfere with your ability to pay rent for decades to come.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

11 Ways to Make The Perfect Buzzfeed List

1.) Exploit Feelings of Nostalgia

Fun fact: William Daniels, who played Mr. Feeny on Boy Meets World, is 86 years old.  Also, you're 15 years removed from the days where you spent the afternoon watching Cory and Topanga make you believe in true love, and you now fill your days working long hours to pay off your crippling student loan debt while trying not to look in the mirror or acknowledge that the easy, carefree times in your life are a distant, cruel, taunting memory...

2.) Exploit Feelings of Insecurity

6 Ways To Get Rid Of Your Ugly, Sagging Arm Jowls

Thursday, July 4, 2013

How to Be More American Than Your Friends

Be as American this bald eagle today. (Image)

It’s almost Independence Day.

And on Independence Day almost 240 years ago, our Founding Fathers scrawled their signatures onto a document and implored both current and future citizens of this great nation to embrace freedom and independence from a country that has never seen a piece of land it didn’t want to invade.  Over two centuries later, we celebrate this schism from the British on July 4th with all things that are quintessentially American.

Keeping with tradition, the holiday is typically celebrated with three things unfailingly characteristic of the country: grilling meat, American flags, and explosions.  However, in recent years, I’ve noticed people around me trying to take their patriotism to the next level.  They are the inevitable one guy or girl who didn’t think it was enough to wave a tiny flag or have some red, white, and blue in their clothing’s color scheme.  Instead, they show up wearing leather American flag leggings or duck tape two Budweiser’s to the side of their star-spangled Ray Bans in an effort to prove that your meager Holiday Patriotism isn’t fit to sniff their Holiday Patriotism’s farts.