Thursday, February 27, 2014

50 Shades of Grey

Chainmail: Effectively protects against swords, arrows, and sexual intercourse (Image).
1.) Grey

2.) Light Grey

3.) Heather Grey

4.) Dark Grey

5.) Medium Granite

6.) Non-Blue Steel

7.) Muted Silver

8.) Sun-faded Asphalt

9.) No. 2 Ticonderoga Graphite

10.) Salad Fork

11.) Moon

12.) Pale Charcoal

13.) Rhodium

14.) Hound Bus

15.) Mid-life Crisis Grey

16.) George Clooney Grey

17.) Smog

18.) Frostbite Grey

19.) No, Seriously, You Should Really Get That Checked Out Grey

20.) Ominous Cumulonimbus

21.) Corpse

22.) Area of Ambiguity

23.) Charging, Rabid Rhinoceros

24.) Midnight Alabaster

25.) Macbook Pro

26.) Fresh, Unstabbed Chainmail

27.) Penitentiary Razor Wire

28.) Sharknado

29.) Shamelessly Gratuitous Sex Scene Shown In Black And White To Make It Seem Artistic

30.) SQUIRREL!

31.) Crushed Political Opposition Grey

32.) Albino Black Hole

33.) Jersey Barrier

34.) Monochromatic Double Rainbow

35.) Volcano Ejaculate

36.) Patient Gunpowder

37.) Adolescent Despair

38.) Amputated Wolf Paw

39.) Smoke From A Burning Orphanage

40.) London

41.) That Liam Neeson Movie

42.) Dust Bunny

43.) Melted Zebra

44.) Anderson Cooper's Brooding Love Gaze

45.) Robot Blood

46.) Laundry Lint Laced With Traces of Sweatshop Tears

47.) Poached Elephant

48.) Really Good Platinum

49.) Really Bad Steak

50.) That Travesty of Writing by E.L. James

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Area Man Inconsolable After Learning He Likes a One Direction Song

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OLYMPIA, WA -- An area man is beside himself with grief Thursday after learning that a song he recently took a liking to is actually "Story of My Life" sung by the British boy band One Direction.

Witnesses say that Phillip Larson has not left his home since Monday night after conducting an internet search of lyrics he heard on the radio some hours before.  A source close to the situation indicated that the search term in question was "these words will be written on my stone," while others insist via social media the phrase Larson Googled was more likely "which song should I listen to so that my balls will shrivel up into tiny little bitch raisins?"

Thursday, February 6, 2014

From the Diary of Vladimir Putin

Dear Diary,
Threateningly eying a rainbow at the World Economic Forum (Image)


I can't believe that the Olympics are finally here.  I'm so excited my hand was shaking this morning while I was drinking my glass of breakfast vodka.  My hand shakes like that every morning.  But I'm pretty sure today it was because of the excitement, as opposed to the tremors of nightly alcohol withdrawal which cause it most mornings.

I really hope the Olympics go well.  I know that aside from vodka, the Siberian Tiger, and Mila Kunis there are few perfect things in this world.  However, it is my hope that the Sochi Olympics could rival these things.  I had a dream last night that I shot a rainbow, so I think that's a good sign of things to come.  I hate rainbows.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Horoscopes


Aries
Stop! ...Cancer Time. (Image Credit).

You might be feeling a little spring in your step this week thanks to a conjunction between the Moon and Jupiter.  This, coupled with Mars' rapacious retrograde, may have you thinking that you want to rob a bank.  You should rob a bank!  Choose to conduct your transaction with a Sagittarius, as they are known for dextrous fingers and can accelerate your monetary transfer.  Be careful, however: ambiguity in the Oort Cloud has the potential to complicate your getaway with detours.  Ambiguity in the Oort Cloud means ambiguity in traffic patterns.  It's common knowledge.

Taurus
The impending occultation of Venus means you will have to surrender the spotlight this week to one of your coworkers.  Your boss has decided to let someone else on your team steal the limelight and your career goals are going to have to be put on the back burner for the good of the company.  You may be tempted to lock horns with the higher-ups, but in the long run the best course of action is to sob inconsolably into a pint of Ben and Jerry's and contemplate the personal inadequacy Venus' inferior conjunction has caused you.  Also, your dog will be hit by a bus.  Better make it two pints.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Instagram Announces "Selfie" Exhibit Will Replace Famous Rembrandt Collection At Metropolitan Museum of Art

Rembrandt's Self-portrait in a cap from 1630 is believed to be the first known "duck face."
In a controversial announcement made Wednesday evening, New York City's Metropolitan Museum of Art has confirmed that it has reached a deal with Instagram to curate an exhibit exploring the social media movement of "selfies."

The exhibit, which will aim to portray the complexity of narcissistic vanity in a fast-paced, technological age, will be replacing the long-celebrated collection of Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn, a seventeenth century Dutch painter known for creating over one hundred self-portraits, considered by some to be a depressingly laborious, pre-photographic study of aging.


"We're thrilled that the Metropolitan Museum of Art has agreed to host our collection of artwork," Instagram said via press release.  "The 'Selfies' exhibit celebrates an autobiographical artistic expression that pushes the boundaries of what famous portraitists like Rembrandt were able to achieve, while also placing the chance to partake in a prominent art form within reach of pretty much anybody with thumbs."

The collection, which debuts this weekend with a "#selfiesunday" gala honoring influential portraitists contributing to the movement, will feature live photographic exhibitions from Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian, neither of whom have explicitly agreed to remain clothed during their performances.

Notable works to be featured in the exhibit include Girl in the Bathroom Mirror by xoTammy93, Cute Hair, Don't Care by UrBoyfriendsGF, and the controversial selfie Mo'fuckin Swole by ShitSonMahAbzGotAbz, which features a young man flexing topless in a gym locker room while an elderly, naked man in the background grabs his love handles in a dejection that captures the shattering of a fragile and shapeless self-esteem.  Experts have described the juxtaposition of these two men as something ranging from "a nuanced, articulate expression of the human image" to "just another dickhead eye-fucking his own torso."

Thursday, January 2, 2014

2013: A Year in Review

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At the commencement of each calendar year, our focus shifts from remembering what caused the last twelve months to be memorable, to making ambitious promises to ourselves and our families which will inevitably fade into obscurity after a few weeks good-ish faith efforts.  The past year brought personal challenges--and hopefully some personal victories--to most, and provided culturally pertinent events to those with access to media, literacy, and an attention span.  Now, with promises of finally trying hot yoga and short distance jogging on the horizon, we look back at a retrospect of what made 2013 so sadly, triumphantly, and frustratingly memorable.

Chelyabinsk Meteor
On February 15, 2013, a meteor believed to be approximately 20 meters (or ~10.94 fathoms) in diameter exploded in the Earth's atmosphere above Russia.  While many around the world watched countless videos captured by the dashboard cameras of Russian vehicles and grappled with the idea that we are all pointlessly arrogant specks of carbon who will inevitably one day fall victim to the sociopathic entropy of the universe, many more wondered why the hell there are so many dashboard cameras in Russia.  The answer?  Because the #4 pastime in Russian following vodka, gymnastics, and topless horseback riding is insurance fraud.

Boston Marathon Bombings
When two homemade bombs exploded near the finish line of the 2013 Boston Marathon, a city and a country experienced both the highs and lows of which humanity is capable.  Photos and stories surfaced of people running towards the explosions to help, spectators tending to victims, and marathon participants running and additional 1.5 miles to Massachusetts General Hospital to donate blood.  When the dust cleared, the manhunt ended, catchphrases were hijacked by local sports fans, and generalized Muslim insensitivities began to recede back to normal, but likely still inappropriate levels, Boston began to grieve, and already sedentary Americans were left with yet another reason not to get off the couch.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Letters from the War on Christmas



Original Image

Dearest Mary,

It seems like it’s been years since I’ve seen your beautiful face.

Life on the front lines has been physically and emotionally draining.  This War is undoubtedly a lopsided one, and the odds are stacked against us.  Based on the intelligence we’ve been receiving, the Jews, Atheists, Lapsed Catholics, Muslims, and the Russians are all strategizing and launching attacks on Christmas.  We’re not entirely sure why the Russians are trying to ruin Christmas, but we assume it’s just because it’s really cold in Russia so they like to keep busy to pass the time.  Either that or they ran out of vodka.  The rest are just jealous of the omnipotent, unwavering love shown exclusively to us by our One True Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and/or Santa.

We’ve suffered some gruesome tragedies in the past few weeks.  Paul was killed in battle when he got caught in the blast zone of an I.E.D. made out of what appeared to be tinsel and shards of glass ornaments.  John was eaten by rats.  They’ve already removed his body from the trenches to try to keep morale high.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Should You Post That on the Internet?

Since last week's informative teaching tool was obscured with things like sarcasm, satire, and comparing the internet to herpes, this week we explore a straight-forward, no-frills way to determine if that thing that you're planning on posting on the internet is something that you should actually post on the internet.  Complete with arrows so you won't get lost.  If you do get lost, just assume you shouldn't post things on the internet.


Thursday, December 5, 2013

Kids, We Need to Talk About the Internet

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Thaddeus, Abigael, sit down.  I think we should talk.

Could you put your cell phones down while we talk, please?

No, I'm serious.  Guys, put down the phones.  In fact, turn off the ringers; I want your undivided attention.  Come on, and the notifications too.  Honestly, guys.  Just shove them under a pillow or something and don't look at them.  Five minutes.  That's all I ask.  I promise the resulting twitching will stop eventually.

Where do I even start?  I'm mostly very proud of you two.  You're both starting to grow up to become mature young adults.  I can't wait to support you guys as you try new things, stretch your comfort zones, and hopefully not end up like Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber.  Thaddeus, you just made the football team, which will teach you discipline, the values of teamwork, and what two or three undiagnosed concussions feel like.  Abigael, you've dived head first into your art classes and been involved in a lot of neat stuff.  I'm so proud of your ability to express yourself in such unique ways, even if it will most likely interfere with your ability to pay rent for decades to come.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Basted Instincts


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I turned on the light above my workbench and began carefully considering my tools for the task at hand.  There were still almost two hours before dawn and the bunker was dark and cold.  I was beginning to feel winter approach with full force; the leafy covering across the forest floor was now buried in a thin layer of snow.  My eye was twitching badly this morning.  Maybe it was from the scar that traverses my head just above it.  Or maybe it was from suppressed turkey rage.  Either way, I can’t allow it to get in my way now.  Today I would have to travel light, work efficiently, and most of all, stay focused.

It’s been a year since he took her from me.  I had loved her since I was just a jake.  I can still remember the first time I saw her from across the clearing.  Her feathers rustled softly in the breeze as she looked at me with those beady, come-hither eyes.  She had wings that drove me crazy before I even knew what crazy was, and we used to sneak away together while the others weren’t watching to do dirty turkey things.  I never did find out the name of those things that we did, but I assure you they were filthy.  All the Sham-Wows and bleach in the world couldn’t clean up after the things we did.  She was my first and only love.

I looked down at the tools spread out in front of me and carefully considered my options.  I had been unwavering in my training since he killed her.  Ever since the night I watched helplessly as her beautiful head came clean off her body and she was stripped naked and tied up in that pan I promised myself—and I promised her—he’d never get away with it.  I’ve conditioned.  I’ve pushed my mental and physical limits.  I’ve cut carbs.  I know 27 ways to kill a man with a turkey baster, and every single one of them is twisted and ironic.