Friday, December 24, 2010

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except that one fucking mouse.
No stockings were hung, and the tree was quite bare,
I downed a few beers, and then sat there and stared.

I flipped through the channels as they yelled about Jesus,
They advertised all of the gifts that would please us.
Some nonsense about wise men seducing a baby,
While his mother kept swearing she was a pure, honest lady.

Where had I gone wrong? This was great as a child.
I ripped open presents.  I screamed.  I was wild.
Now here I sit with my head crammed with thoughts,
And to act on any one of them, well...I ought not.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Dear People Named Katrina...Sorry About That

This past week marked the end of one the major meteorologic time periods of our year in the United States: hurricane season.

Hurricane Katrina as seen from not the Gulf Coast.
From June 1st to November 30th every year, coastal inhabitants and island dwellers all over the United States, Caribbean, and Central American quake in their boots, sandals, or merely in the rough, durable skin on the bottoms of their feet, due to the knowledge that God is watching them with an eye that is capable of ripping their face off with sustained 150 mph winds and then cleansing it with rain that I assume feels like being shot at from a barrage of wet BB guns.

Severe weather and natural disasters have always fascinated me.  How conditions can come together to create a swirling funnel of tornadic death clouds and how the Earth's crust can shift in a way that thrusts fiery orange magma out of the ground truly wrinkles my impressive brain.  I prefer that no one is hurt when these things occur, but they fascinate me nonetheless.

The fact that things like hurricanes do cause damage to the well-being of the human population, however, is what really purples my nurples.  Furthermore, the way we document the calamity is downright irresponsible.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

God Blames Steve Johnson After Losing to Buddha in Fantasy Football

In the beginning of a war of words that will likely eventually have a biblical citation attached to it when it is quoted in religious blogs and referenced on Tim Tebow's eye black sometime in the near future, Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson called God out on Twitter this week, blaming him for interfering with a potential game-winning touchdown catch in Sunday's game against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

"I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..." Johnson said via Twitter for iPad.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

PETA President Gives Thanks to Turkeys Eaten on Thanksgiving by Sacrificing a Puppy

No puppies were sacrificed in the taking of this picture (Image Credit)
Ingrid Newkirk, President and Cofounder of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, sacrificed a stray puppy today to honor all of the unethical consumption of turkeys this Thanksgiving holiday, numerous horrified witnesses said.

Newkirk, whose organization, PETA, frowns upon the majority of mistreatment of animals, staged the puppy slaughter in order to demonstrate the moral and ethical qualms associated with eating turkeys in mass quantities, especially as a holiday tradition.

PETA, a non-profit well known for the controversial means by which they convey their message and beliefs, picked up the stray with the understanding it would be given a better life, and proceeding to give it a better opportunity to become a high protein entree during a holiday feast.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

It all started with a bathrobe

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up for what he believes in.  Now, when this time came in my life, I decided it sounded like it would take a good deal of effort, and thus sounded like a giant hassle.  As a result, I continued to sit back and do nothing as those around me voiced their misguided opinions and musings regarding the world that surrounded them.  It was a simpler time...

But eventually, that simplicity that I revered so heavily unraveled, giving way to the cranky, uncompromisingly logical, sarcastic, and dashingly handsome young man that you don't see before you today, because this is a blog post.  That unraveling event to which I refer, was a dark day.  It awakened inside of me an unquenchable thirst to point out to people, and in relatively specific detail I might add, why their actions and beliefs are inherently stupid.

And what caused this unraveling, you might ask, if you don't already know?

The fucking Snuggie.