Tuesday, November 30, 2010

God Blames Steve Johnson After Losing to Buddha in Fantasy Football

In the beginning of a war of words that will likely eventually have a biblical citation attached to it when it is quoted in religious blogs and referenced on Tim Tebow's eye black sometime in the near future, Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson called God out on Twitter this week, blaming him for interfering with a potential game-winning touchdown catch in Sunday's game against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

"I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..." Johnson said via Twitter for iPad.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

PETA President Gives Thanks to Turkeys Eaten on Thanksgiving by Sacrificing a Puppy

No puppies were sacrificed in the taking of this picture (Image Credit)
Ingrid Newkirk, President and Cofounder of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, sacrificed a stray puppy today to honor all of the unethical consumption of turkeys this Thanksgiving holiday, numerous horrified witnesses said.

Newkirk, whose organization, PETA, frowns upon the majority of mistreatment of animals, staged the puppy slaughter in order to demonstrate the moral and ethical qualms associated with eating turkeys in mass quantities, especially as a holiday tradition.

PETA, a non-profit well known for the controversial means by which they convey their message and beliefs, picked up the stray with the understanding it would be given a better life, and proceeding to give it a better opportunity to become a high protein entree during a holiday feast.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

It all started with a bathrobe

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up for what he believes in.  Now, when this time came in my life, I decided it sounded like it would take a good deal of effort, and thus sounded like a giant hassle.  As a result, I continued to sit back and do nothing as those around me voiced their misguided opinions and musings regarding the world that surrounded them.  It was a simpler time...

But eventually, that simplicity that I revered so heavily unraveled, giving way to the cranky, uncompromisingly logical, sarcastic, and dashingly handsome young man that you don't see before you today, because this is a blog post.  That unraveling event to which I refer, was a dark day.  It awakened inside of me an unquenchable thirst to point out to people, and in relatively specific detail I might add, why their actions and beliefs are inherently stupid.

And what caused this unraveling, you might ask, if you don't already know?

The fucking Snuggie.