Sunday, November 13, 2011

Belt-Obsessed Filipino Congressman Escapes Assault and Battery Charges

A Filipino congressman inexplicably avoided charges after assaulting a Mexican man in Las Vegas, Nevada last night in a reported dispute over a belt.

Emmanuel Dapidran Pacquiao, a politician representing the province of Sarangani in the Philippines, assaulted the man relentlessly for an estimated 36 minutes, and apparently has an infatuation with gaudy, over sized, trouser-securing accessories, roughly 16,000 witnesses said.

The victim sustained several cuts around his eyes as well as a likely broken face.

"I'm really not sure why they both wanted the belt so bad," one Nevadan said.  "If I were to guess, I'd say it was one of them rare clothing accessories that goes with a bunch of different outfits, even them weird Philippine get-ups."

"He's right," the Nevadan's lady-escort confirmed.  "You can dress it up or dress it down."

Unfortunately, no witnesses of any higher intelligence were available for comment.


Las Vegas authorities confirmed that Pacquiao does have a history of this type of dispute, estimating that the congressman has been involved in over 50 physical altercations, nearly all of which have involved belts.

When asked why Las Vegas Police did nothing to stop the fight, an officer who smelled heavily of whiskey slurred, "Why the hell would we stop two Spics beating the piss outta each other?"

The Filipino government declined the request for an interview, but did not appear to be drunk, and issued a statement on the incident.

"If you mess with the Philippines, you get the National Fist," the press release said, choosing to trivialize the incident by making it a broad, sweeping racial issue involving the whole country and its people, instead of just treating it as an isolated event not involving a catchy nickname.

Filipino officials also stated that Pacquiao would not be reprimanded for the altercation, nor would it cost him his congressional seat.  This information angered several Mexicans.

Authorities confirmed that Pacquiao did obtain custody of the belt at the end of the incident.

It is not known if the congressman is related to the famous Filipino boxer Manny Pacquiao.

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