Tuesday, November 30, 2010

God Blames Steve Johnson After Losing to Buddha in Fantasy Football

In the beginning of a war of words that will likely eventually have a biblical citation attached to it when it is quoted in religious blogs and referenced on Tim Tebow's eye black sometime in the near future, Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson called God out on Twitter this week, blaming him for interfering with a potential game-winning touchdown catch in Sunday's game against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

"I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..." Johnson said via Twitter for iPad.

It was at first unknown whether or not God received the tweet, as his responses are usually not in the form of twits and twats, but in the form of obscure, difficult to interpret signs that really could be a toss up on whether or not they are responses at all.  However, God's response was eventually made public via a formation of 140 clouds or less in the sky above the Buffalo suburb of Cheektowaga.  I'm not kidding.  That's a real place.

"STFU, #13!! I NEEDED THOSE 6 PTS TO BEAT BUDDHA THIS WEEK IN FANTASY!!! OMYSELF JUST CATCH THE GODME BALL!!" God stated via mostly cumulus with just a hint of cirrus.

Despite the fact that little of the writings from each side contained real words, the meanings are obvious.  First of all, Johnson openly admitted with the tweet that he has been neglecting practice to pray, which, unless included as a clause in his contract, is arguably just plain lazy and explains why he is dropping passes in the endzone.  And secondly, where is Buddha in all of this?

Oh, there he is:

"I gotta be honest, I just joined the league because they needed a 10th team after L. Ron Hubbard dropped out," Buddha replied with admirable tranquility.

It is surprisingly clear how this situation will play out in the near future.  This is mostly due to the fact that the Bills currently boast a 2-9 record through 12 weeks of the NFL season, and have no intention, willfully or mathematically, of making the playoffs.  God, on the other hand, has gone undefeated in DietyDiet Fantasy League thus far, despite losing to Buddha this past week.. This odd discrepancy is believed to be due to the fact that he is leader of the free world and he makes the rules.

Sorry, leader of free will, and he doesn't have to deal with Congress.  Always mix those two up.


  1. I hope you are now watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

  2. Of course I was. It's my favorite holiday.