Tuesday, November 30, 2010

God Blames Steve Johnson After Losing to Buddha in Fantasy Football

In the beginning of a war of words that will likely eventually have a biblical citation attached to it when it is quoted in religious blogs and referenced on Tim Tebow's eye black sometime in the near future, Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson called God out on Twitter this week, blaming him for interfering with a potential game-winning touchdown catch in Sunday's game against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

"I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..." Johnson said via Twitter for iPad.


Sometimes I wish Charles Darwin was up in heaven hanging out with God, pointing to people on Earth that don't believe in evolution so that God could throw lightning bolts at them...

Note: No creationists were harmed in the writing of this post.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

African-American Woman Angered Upon Learning that White People are Eligible for Black Friday Savings

As eager Black Friday shoppers gathered outside the Lenox Square Mall in Atlanta, Georgia yesterday, longtime retail enthusiast LaKeesha Henderson began noticing something peculiar.  Among the swarms of African-American shoppers waiting to get their hands on the best deals of the holiday shopping season were numerous people of a predominantly paler persuation: white people.

Upon entering the mall with the rest of the stampede of mindless shoppers, Henderson, like all those who go to the mall at 4 a.m. pushed and shoved her way to the items she wanted, ignoring ethics, and sometimes assault and battery laws, all while basing which items she hauled into her arms on their devation from suggested retail price, instead of whether or not she, or anyone she knew, even wanted the item she was holding.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

PETA President Gives Thanks to Turkeys Eaten on Thanksgiving by Sacrificing a Puppy

No puppies were sacrificed in the taking of this picture (Image Credit)
Ingrid Newkirk, President and Cofounder of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, sacrificed a stray puppy today to honor all of the unethical consumption of turkeys this Thanksgiving holiday, numerous horrified witnesses said.

Newkirk, whose organization, PETA, frowns upon the majority of mistreatment of animals, staged the puppy slaughter in order to demonstrate the moral and ethical qualms associated with eating turkeys in mass quantities, especially as a holiday tradition.

PETA, a non-profit well known for the controversial means by which they convey their message and beliefs, picked up the stray with the understanding it would be given a better life, and proceeding to give it a better opportunity to become a high protein entree during a holiday feast.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Information Super Highway to the Danger Zone: Bloggin' is Hoggin' the World's Noggins like Kenny Loggins

Since this blog dropped just over a week prior to this writing, I've done some poking around the blogosphere to explore just what exactly I've gotten myself into, other than writing ongoing strings of unapologetically humble literary masterpieces, each containing life lessons, witticisms, and multiple sarcasms.

Now for those who are unaware, it should be noted that a blogosphere is a three-dimensional enclosure created by James Cameron that houses all the blogs and user-generated news content ever written, confining them in a spherical space in order to effectively prevent them from polluting public opinion and the mainstream media.  It should also be noted that there are blogs that do trivial things like tell friends and family what you're doing on vacation.  These blogs are the serfs of the blogosphere and are shunned by the rest of the blogs to the point that their trivial existence is barely acknowledged.

With that said, the issue with the blogosphere is glaring and its existence as a shield to the outside world is precarious at best.  The mainstream media, for the most part, does not tell everyone what they want to hear, even though the news is, by nature, entirely subjective and meant to be twisted and distorted with the biases of the person reporting it.  This stubbornly selfish character flaw hinders the general public in their search for journalism that agrees with what they already believe in, forcing them to turn to blogs to find writings that bolster their preconceived notions regarding the world around them.  As a result, the iceberg of public-search-for-agreement-to-their-opinions has torn a gaping new asshole in the side of the Titanic structure of the blogosphere.  The result? A shitstorm of stupid that is as much of a news source for the general public as actual news sources.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sarah Palin, Ladies and Gentlemen

Tonight I observed my mother watching the newest episode of "Sarah Palin's Alaska," which I was assured she watches for the beautiful scenery.  I stopped and listened as the likely 2012 presidential candidate explained to the television camera that is following her family around for her prime time reality television show that her daughter, Bristol, who decided to abstain from not being a teenage mother, has been constantly scrutinized, and she wants to get her out of the spotlight for a bit.

...I'm just going to go ahead and leave this one open ended.  When it comes to airtight logic such as that, there is really nothing I can do but tip my cap and call Sarah Palin my daddy.  As well as an astounding microcosm for the cognitive abilities of the general population.

She wants to be president...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

It all started with a bathrobe

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up for what he believes in.  Now, when this time came in my life, I decided it sounded like it would take a good deal of effort, and thus sounded like a giant hassle.  As a result, I continued to sit back and do nothing as those around me voiced their misguided opinions and musings regarding the world that surrounded them.  It was a simpler time...

But eventually, that simplicity that I revered so heavily unraveled, giving way to the cranky, uncompromisingly logical, sarcastic, and dashingly handsome young man that you don't see before you today, because this is a blog post.  That unraveling event to which I refer, was a dark day.  It awakened inside of me an unquenchable thirst to point out to people, and in relatively specific detail I might add, why their actions and beliefs are inherently stupid.

And what caused this unraveling, you might ask, if you don't already know?

The fucking Snuggie.