Friday, December 31, 2010

My Ability to Outcoin Your Rufudiation is Impressibly Good

Palin addressing those displaced by the Metrodome roof collapse (Image: Ryan McFarland)
I don't know many big words.

Yes, I throw around a select few here and there to sound like a actually passed the English comprehension portion of the SAT's when in reality I never once even finished because of what is likely a mild, undiagnosed case of Attention Deficit Disorder, or as I like to call it, "thinking the SAT's are fucking boring." However, the truth of the matter is that I am a simple man when it comes to the English language.

Now many of you may not have known about this....no, flaw isn't the right word....intellectual idiosyncrasy of mine.  And the reason for this is that my admirable perspicacity allows me to make up for my shortcomings in the memorization and utilization of a cornucopia of words, some of which may not yet be recognized as mainstays of the English language.  This last part is a mere formality, however, as my poetic license allows me to use such words of higher intellectual understanding without fear of persecution.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except that one fucking mouse.
No stockings were hung, and the tree was quite bare,
I downed a few beers, and then sat there and stared.

I flipped through the channels as they yelled about Jesus,
They advertised all of the gifts that would please us.
Some nonsense about wise men seducing a baby,
While his mother kept swearing she was a pure, honest lady.


Where had I gone wrong? This was great as a child.
I ripped open presents.  I screamed.  I was wild.
Now here I sit with my head crammed with thoughts,
And to act on any one of them, well...I ought not.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Well, Will You Look at That? Everybody's Naked.

Every man has his principles.  I, as those who know me personally are probably aware of, am no exception to this rule.  I live by a set of self-imposed guidelines.  Some of these rules I base on my experiences.  Others I base on my general beliefs on ethics and proper conduct in life.  Don't shit where you eat.  Don't date where you work.  Respect those who earn it, not those who demand it.  Everything in moderation, including moderation.  These are all rules I live by, and when I break them, I am always eventually reminded of why I set those guidelines for myself in the first place.  Whether it be a bad case of E. coli or an awkward encounter at the water cooler leading to a downward spiral in office productivity, when a man ignores his principles, his shit-covered dinner often times hits the fan.

This leads me to the principle that I broke last weekend, and had every intention of breaking once in my lifetime:

Never pay for boobies.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Bumper Stickers

I saw a pickup truck on the highway today with a bumper sticker that said "Guns don't kill people.  Abortions kill people."
Credit: Zazzle

I shot the driver.

No, sorry.  I abortion'd the driver.  Had I shot him he would have been fine.  Jesus, these blue flashing lights are really starting to hurt my eyes.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Facebook Raises Passing Awareness of Child Abuse By Reminding People About All the Awesome Cartoons They Got to Watch During Childhood Instead of Getting Abused

The popular social networking site Facebook was involved in a campaign this past week which instructed users to change their profile pictures to their favorite childhood cartoon characters.
Credit: Film Fodder

The purpose of the campaign was two-fold.  First, it reminded Facebook users that the fight against child abuse is an issue that, however ironically and poorly phrased, should be acknowledged.  Secondly, and most importantly, it gave those on Facebook an excuse to compare with their friends who liked the coolest cartoon character as a kid.

For those that did change their profile picture, it yielded miraculous and important results.  Upon seeing that her friend changed his profile picture to Skeeter Valentine from the popular Nickelodeon cartoon Doug, Samantha Dominick exclaimed, "OMG, i totally forgot about Doug i LOVED that show when I was a kid."

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Dear People Named Katrina...Sorry About That

This past week marked the end of one the major meteorologic time periods of our year in the United States: hurricane season.

Hurricane Katrina as seen from not the Gulf Coast.
From June 1st to November 30th every year, coastal inhabitants and island dwellers all over the United States, Caribbean, and Central American quake in their boots, sandals, or merely in the rough, durable skin on the bottoms of their feet, due to the knowledge that God is watching them with an eye that is capable of ripping their face off with sustained 150 mph winds and then cleansing it with rain that I assume feels like being shot at from a barrage of wet BB guns.

Severe weather and natural disasters have always fascinated me.  How conditions can come together to create a swirling funnel of tornadic death clouds and how the Earth's crust can shift in a way that thrusts fiery orange magma out of the ground truly wrinkles my impressive brain.  I prefer that no one is hurt when these things occur, but they fascinate me nonetheless.

The fact that things like hurricanes do cause damage to the well-being of the human population, however, is what really purples my nurples.  Furthermore, the way we document the calamity is downright irresponsible.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

It's Just Too Perfect

I realized today that Linsday Lohan was in a movie called "Fully Loaded."

Outstanding.