Saturday, December 24, 2011

'Twas the Night Before Christmas: The Sequel

For the sake of background, read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Part One before continuing.
If you're from West Virginia, click here.


‘Twas the night before Christmas, this time I’m sure,
But even when sober, I can’t see its allure.
Last time I celebrated I was drunk off my ass,
And it is safe to say that I acted quite crass.

I mistook Trick-or-Treaters for mischievous elves,
And intimidated, I thought they depicted themselves,
As violent miscreants, and surprisingly brash.
They knew I had candy; they wanted my stash.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Kim Jong-illustrations of Perfection

I wanted to write the following in the satirical style of most of my recent posts.  I truly did.  The fact that over the weekend another high-profile dictator died at the ripe old age of 69 made my fingertips yearn to write a completely non-sensational post entitled "Another Man, 69, Also Dies."  As I considered the logistics of writing such a piece, however, I realized that Kim Jong-il is a man that does not need a literary device like satire to mock his story--he mocks it himself in ways that completely overshadow anything I could ever wish to make up about him.

(On another note, the more people I talk to, the more I realize that few people understand that the previously written-about African man dying from a game of hide and seek alludes to the death of Muammar Gaddafi, and that BP did not actually make a new grade of gasoline comprised heavily of human shit and oily pelican tears.  So for those who do not understand satire, are not familiar with news, or just happen to leave your head in your ass so that you don't lose track of it, I will preface the following by informing you that Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of the great-ish nation of North Korea, died this past weekend.


With that said, I would like to tell you all the story of one of the greatest men to ever live.




Rest in Peace, Dear Reader (Image)
Depending on who you ask, the late North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il was born on February 16, 1942.  Personally, I prefer to ask the North Korean government, because their version of the story is way more awesome.

According to his official biography, as well as North Korean documents, Kim Jong-il's birth occurred in a secret log cabin at his father's military base, conveniently located atop North Korea's sacred Mount Paektu.  His birth, naturally, was foretold by a swallow, which I assume implies that Kim is an extremely strong swimmer.  After all, making it from the tonsils to the fallopian tubes is no small feat. 

Kim's birth, according to the North Korean documents, caused winter to change to spring and a double rainbow to form over Mount Paektu.  I am also partial to the view that Kim Tokyo-drifted out of the womb before exercising his groundhog-like influence over Korean climate patterns, and made everyone in the country, as well as one American man on YouTube weep openly, but I'm promising to try really hard to stick to North Korean facts here.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

New York Husband and Wife Having Marital Problems Now That Gay Marriage Is Legal

Governor Andrew Cuomo, that douche (Image).
A heterosexual New York couple has fallen on tough marital times in recent months after their state became the sixth to legalize same-sex marriage, a source close to the couple said yesterday.

Tracey and William Elder of Lockport, New York have seen their marriage descend into shambles since June when Governor Andrew Cuomo signed the bill into law that made it legal for homosexual men and women to get married.  Both Elders have opposed the measure for years.

"How can I be expected to love my husband the same way as before?" Tracey was overhead asking her friend at the salon last week, clearly concerned of the effects this contentious issue has had on her own marriage.

Since the bill went into effect this summer, Tracey has reportedly realized herself to be only minimally attracted to William, which has led her to increase the frequency at which she is withholding intercourse from her husband when he fucks up or when she needs to make a point about something.

"I haven't been sexually satisfied since the Clinton Administration," she said during her monthly cut and color.  "And even then it wasn't because of my husband--I was just driving down a bumpy road fantasizing about seducing Newt Gingrich after his newest wife becomes terminally ill.  I climaxed so suddenly I swerved onto someone's front lawn and slashed my tire on a garden gnome."

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Belt-Obsessed Filipino Congressman Escapes Assault and Battery Charges

A Filipino congressman inexplicably avoided charges after assaulting a Mexican man in Las Vegas, Nevada last night in a reported dispute over a belt.

Emmanuel Dapidran Pacquiao, a politician representing the province of Sarangani in the Philippines, assaulted the man relentlessly for an estimated 36 minutes, and apparently has an infatuation with gaudy, over sized, trouser-securing accessories, roughly 16,000 witnesses said.

The victim sustained several cuts around his eyes as well as a likely broken face.

"I'm really not sure why they both wanted the belt so bad," one Nevadan said.  "If I were to guess, I'd say it was one of them rare clothing accessories that goes with a bunch of different outfits, even them weird Philippine get-ups."

"He's right," the Nevadan's lady-escort confirmed.  "You can dress it up or dress it down."

Unfortunately, no witnesses of any higher intelligence were available for comment.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Man, 69, Dies

An artist's rendering of the victim.
An African man died Thursday after succumbing to injuries sustained from what appears to be an intense game of hide-and-seek gone wrong, witnesses said.

The 69-year-old man, whose name has never actually been agreed upon, apparently became injured after being found hiding in a large infrastructural orifice in his hometown.

"The guys who found him actually seemed pretty angry about it," a witness to the game said.  "It kind of makes me wonder if this man they found had taken one of their daughters out on a date and never called her again.  Or maybe he owed them money."

After being pulled from the orifice, the exchange between the old man and his captors escalated quickly, eventually leading to punches being thrown, and, allegedly, bullets being fired from very close range.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

More Than Just Debit Fees: Bank of America To Roll Out More New Charges

Coming on the heels of a recent decision to start charging debit card users a monthly fee, Bank of America announced today that it would begin testing new ways of increasing revenue early next year.

Image
The new revenue strategies, which are meant to provide the bank with a protective monetary cushion against poor banking decisions, will begin in a market research capacity in January 2012, and the bank plans to implement the new policies nationwide by the following April.


The announcement comes in the wake of Bank of America's decision to charge those who make purchases with their debit card a $5 monthly fee--a decision that has not gone without fervent objection.

"Bank of America has not only its name to protect, but also its profits, and all that money people across the country trust us keep safe," a bank spokesman said in a press conference today.  "Not losing our customers' deposits means we have to take a lot of chances, and those chances need to be funded somehow.  Think of it in terms of hiding your money under a mattress to keep it safe.  If you don't light that mattress on fire, you'll never know if your cash is flame retardant, and we need debit card holders to buy us the matches and kerosene."

Sunday, August 21, 2011

A Modest Proposal for Teaching Litterers a Lesson

As members of a civilized society, we are known for our collective ability to work together, identify and solve problems, and act swiftly and efficiently when something pressing is facing our nation.

Challenge accepted (Image).
Nah, I'm just screwing with you.  We're a dysfunctional bunch of clowns that are often times incapable of coming together to change even the simplest of bad habits.  And to illustrate this point, I'd like to reach back to a topic that was ubiquitous throughout my grade school classrooms along with saying no to drugs, sex, underage drinking, and forest fires.  If you hadn't guessed already, I'm talking about littering.

Littering is a topic that has been fermenting in my noggin for a while now.  It is a fundamental lesson that we all learn from a young age, and it seems to be a generally accepted principle among adults to dispose of one's rubbish in the proper receptacles.  However, as well as many of us seem to do with throwing away our everyday waste, there is one specific type of unwanted goods that seems to get a free pass when it comes to social norms: Orphans.


Monday, August 1, 2011

A Clueless American's Guide to the Debt Ceiling

You can call me Aaron Burr from the way I'm dropping Hamiltons (Image).
I know nothing about economics.

For the past few weeks, politicians, pundits, economists, accountants, entrepreneurs, bankers, business people, and regular people have been voicing their opinions on whether or not Congress should vote to raise our national debt ceiling.  For all those regular people that aren't well-educated on the comings, goings, and happenings of the world of economics, you shouldn't be allowed to voice your opinions.  You clearly have no idea what you're talking about.  Since I know you will anyway, though,  the following is a guide to the current debt crisis and its overall significance.  I hope that you find it enlightening, informative, and grammatically tolerable.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Twitter: Streamlining America's Political System to 140 Characters or Less

A Venn diagram is worth 140 characters (Image)


The beauty of a democracy is that it allows the common man, woman, or recently deceased man or woman to express their opinions on local, state, and national issues through voting.  Through this process, we are able to influence decisions that may govern our daily lives and national livelihood, often while having limited understanding and uneducated opinions regarding those very issues.

For an example of this phenomenon, let us turn to the topic global warming.  Those that are squeamish or have numerophobia should be advised, I'm about to hit you with some stats.  Don't worry, I'll make it quick.

In a 2011 poll conducted by Yale and George Mason universities, 47% of the general public said that they believe in global warming and that it is caused mostly by human activity.  Compared that to 97% of climatologists who are active publishers on the topic, as found in a 2008 Gallup poll.  Of those polled in the Yale study, 48% of the general public said they were either "not very worried" or "not worried at all" about global warming.  This is good news, because if they believed all those pesky data and facts that are swirling around, they'd shit themselves.  And no one wants to deal with something like that on an uncharacteristically hot day.

Our beautiful democracy has a downside.  The people making the decisions on global warming aren't climatologists with expertise in complex atmospheric processes.  They are average Americans that often know more about the British Royal Wedding than they do about the periodic table.  Now I could drop upon you knowledge concerning subjectivity, trusting expert opinions, and blind political allegiance, but it won't change anyone's minds.  And if it did, I don't want anyone's soiled underpants on my conscience.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Maybe We Should Have Paid More Attention to Grandpa...


Like a double your money back guarantee? (Image)
 Aging is a part of life.  As the years pass, we share new experiences, gain new knowledge, and learn about the meaning of life and our place in this world.  This place where we ultimately decide we belong depends largely on how our mind is molded in our earlier life.  And with every year that goes by this line of thinking shifts and solidifies until, in most cases, our ability to reason rationally disintegrates into an amorphous mess of disconnected thoughts, wrinkles, and often times endearing far-off stares.  And drooling.

Near the end, our opinions are unwavering and concrete, and our deep-rooted prejudices towards the minorities who bombed our countries half a century ago are accepted.  And eventually, we start dropping like flies.  Like an old man at my local McDonald's once said: "When you're my age, reading the obituaries is like going to a party, because all your friends are there."  He also said, "When I was a kid I used to climb on top of my garage and pretend I was a hawk, except I didn't use the umbrella."  Although, to this day, I haven't the foggiest idea what he was talking about.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Declaring Global Warming Inevitable, Scientists Look to Accelerate Evolution

An early benefactor of coercive acclimatization.  Image: Kevin Jordan
An international group of renowned climate scientists held a press conference this morning, announcing a new recommended course of action to combat rising global temperatures.

The group of climatologists, all of whom are members on the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), scheduled the press conference this morning so that it coincided with the 41st annual Earth Day, a holiday that has, since its inception, spread to numerous countries all over the world.

The members highlighted the pertinent research regarding global warming, covering rising sea levels, mass extinctions, and world epidemics with a seemingly apathetic and monotonous tone.  Towards the end of the review summarizing the basic scientific ideas behind the theory, the climatologist explaining the material began to mumble and, eventually, walked out of the room while swearing passive-aggressively and declaring he would no longer waste his breath.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

BP Helps Combat Rising Oil Prices by Introducing New Grade of Gasoline

A group of Gulf Coast pelicans collectively hope that karma's a bitch (Image: IBRRC)
Nearly one year after the start of BP's three month long oil spill deep in the Gulf of Mexico, the British-based oil giant has set out to help the American public combat the recent rise in oil prices.

As of April 5th, the average cost in the United States for a gallon of unleaded gasoline was just under $3.70 per gallon.  This price, which is one of the highest seen in the U.S. since prices hit $4.00 per gallon back in 2008, is due partly to instability in the Middle East, where long-oppressed peoples collectively realized in 140 characters or less that they outnumber their delusional dictators, and later realized they also have much smaller military arsenals.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Fred Phelps: Profile of an American Hero

Members of the WBC spreading God's message, some better than others. (Image)
There are few people in this world we can truly call heroes.  Often times we hyperbolize when describing those around us that we feel deserve high recognition.  The single mothers working long hours only to have to come home and raise their children.  The men and women that put themselves in danger for the safety of others.  With these people and others, we have a tendency to give credit where we think it is rightfully due.  However, in doing so, we are forgetting just how ordinary these people are, and how many around the country and around the world could fit into these same categories.  If we keep placing so many high up on a pedestal for their bland, oft-repeated, endeavors, will anyone be left below to admire them and give the adoration that is due?

A true hero is one who takes the road less traveled, who stands up for what's right, even when it is unpopular, and who warns others of their destructive ways, even when it means it might make heaven a little more crowded than it otherwise would be.  By this indisputable definition, and through his determination and consistency, for a shining example of a true American hero, no must look no further than Fred Phelps.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

My Least Favorite Holiday of the Year

Yeah, you better hide you little fucker.  (Image)
Every February 2nd I wake up and, one way or another, eventually realize that it's Groundhog's Day.

Most of you probably do the same thing.  And this probably makes you think, "We're not so different, you and I..."  Well, if that's the case, you should be concerned.  Because I'm far from a roll model.  What does make us different and, consequently, makes you wrong, is that upon realizing that it's Groundhog's Day, you likely do not slip into a mood of uncontrollable annoyance and consider taking the next plane to Punxsutawney and punching  a woodland creature right in the mouth.  I do.  Just accept it as fact, because you really can't prove otherwise.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Well, At Least Now No One in Kentucky Has to Learn How to Swim

I will start things off with a heartfelt disclaimer to assure that I will not feel any personal regret for any of the things I am about to say:

I try really hard to think of religion as something that is personal and special to all.  It is somewhere to turn in a time of need, and it gives comfort when thinking about the daunting nature of the unknown.  Because of this, attacking it as I attack all other bullshit is always, for me, toeing my line of decency.  This is good, however, because it proves to me that I still have one.  But, when people start forcing their religion on others, killing in the name of their god, fucking little boys, or substituting spiritual beliefs for rational thought, I tell my conscience to take the rest of the day off.  Guess what, assholes?  There are billions of people in this world that think their religious beliefs are correct.  But no, it's fine, I'm sure yours is the one that's right.  Let's do this.


...But how are they going to get it to the ocean? (Image)


It was recently brought to my attention that Northern Kentucky will soon to be home to a new theme park that will not, I have been assured by its website, be funded by taxpayer dollars, but will obey the physical laws of buoyancy, which I find ironic.  The theme of said park, which is set to open in 2014, will revolve around the main attraction: a full scale model of Noah's Ark.

For those who are unaware, the biblical story of Noah and his great big friggin' boat can be summed up as follows:

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Astronomy Makes Astrology Its Bitch

Judging by that planetary alignment, you probably have herpes.
I've thought long and hard on how to approach this subject.  Lately I've been dancing around the points I've been trying to make using silly literary techniques like satire, poetry, and cartoons.  Well, cartoons aren't really literary.  But, since I'm so confident in my ability to construct a pretty impressive and structurally sound tower of bullshit arguing that they are, I'm just going to go ahead and lump cartoons into the same category with the rest of those pesky little bastards. Regardless, enough of all that rhetorical nonsense.  This topic makes me far too happy to approach it with anything but pure, unadulterated joy, gloating, immaturity, and scathing, pompous sarcasm that couldn't scream "I'm better than you" more if it were wearing a fucking crown.

For those that don't know, I very much enjoy the scientific field of study known as "astronomy."  Some people may call me a nerd upon learning of this little tidbit of funfactery (not to be confused with a "fun factory," which I think is where Jesus sends people of competing religious faiths to manufacture enjoyment for all of his followers while paying them a wage that is next to impossible to live on).  However, those people are just jealous and will someday be getting a meteorite sent straight at their faces, just as soon as I figure out how to control meteorites.