Thursday, February 2, 2012

Local Badger Sees Shadow, Demands Respect

The weather-predicting badger, likely defecating behind a plant (Image)
An area badger is up in arms today after news that the suspiciously timeless Punxsutawney Phil--the Pennsylvania groundhog that has attempted to predict the coming of Spring every February 2nd since 1887--declared vaguely that Winter would continue 6 more weeks this year.

The badger, who doesn't have a name, because he's a fucking badger, is disputing Phil's prediction this year on the grounds of flawed prediction methods and historical inaccuracy.

Punxsutawney Phil, who gives his yearly prediction to a group of men in tuxedos and top hats using his native language "Groundhogese," bases his prediction on whether or not he sees his shadow the morning of February 2nd.

When asked if whether or not he saw his shadow was based on the current cloud cover, time of day, or proximity to a light source, Phil did not show any acknowledgment of even being asked a question.

The badger, who is known to be located in what has recently been an extremely snowy section of the Northeastern United States, much like Phil, points to the fact that Phil is only correct in his prediction 39% of the time.

The badger, who is reluctant to reveal his exact method of forecasting, hinted that he channels former U.S. presidents to help make his decisions.  Using that method, he estimates, the badger is correct right around 50% of the time.

Upon coming to a weather-related decision, the badger then either proceeds to stand in the dark, or under a nearby streetlight, depending on whether or not he is supposed to see his shadow.

According to neighboring woodland creatures not well versed in meteorology, the badger prefers making his yearly predictions under the cover of night so that his decisions are not influenced by factors such as natural sunlight or visible weather conditions.

Punxsutawney Phil declined the request for a full interview and did not comment when asked if he was aware that his home on Gobbler's Knob sounded inherently sexual.


  1. Have you ever thought that Phil is correct 100% of the time and that the Seasons are wrong???

  2. And...1 Red Sox Snuggie was worn while writing this post!

  3. I hate you charlie. I hate you so much.