Tuesday, April 5, 2011

BP Helps Combat Rising Oil Prices by Introducing New Grade of Gasoline

A group of Gulf Coast pelicans collectively hope that karma's a bitch (Image: IBRRC)
Nearly one year after the start of BP's three month long oil spill deep in the Gulf of Mexico, the British-based oil giant has set out to help the American public combat the recent rise in oil prices.

As of April 5th, the average cost in the United States for a gallon of unleaded gasoline was just under $3.70 per gallon.  This price, which is one of the highest seen in the U.S. since prices hit $4.00 per gallon back in 2008, is due partly to instability in the Middle East, where long-oppressed peoples collectively realized in 140 characters or less that they outnumber their delusional dictators, and later realized they also have much smaller military arsenals.


BP, in order to lift the burden from the shoulders of the American driver and try to make amends for their Deepwater Horizon rig falling victim to the oil drilling equivalent of coughing violently in order to conceal a bout of uncontrollable flatulence, will introduce a discounted grade of gasoline next week that will average a predicted $1.75 less than regular unleaded gasoline.

The new gasoline fraction, nicknamed "Gulf Gas" by BP executives, will come from surplus materials accumulated by BP during last year's catastrophic spill, and will be compose heavily of "petroleum byproducts and anthropogenic biomass."

BP, who has improved their diplomatic word choice drastically since tar-balling the Gulf Coast, reluctantly revealed when pressed by officials that the new gasoline is made mainly from oily pelican tears and the biological waste of the Gulf Coast's citizens, who collectively shit themselves after realizing their local businesses and economy would spiral into shambles as a result of the spill.

"We are doing our best to give back to the communities of the Gulf of Mexico and the American people," BP said via a recent press release.  "We fucked up a lot of lives and a lot of pelicans from that whole Deepwater Horizon thing, so we wanted to make it right with the citizens affected most by the accident."

When asked if they thought it was acceptable to exploit the tangible byproducts of the worst oil spill in American history at the further expense of the American citizens, a BP executive winked, flashed the best-winning smile a Brit is physically capable of, and walked away, muttering about being late for a cricket match.  It is presumed that this means all profits will be donated in good faith to Gulf Coast charities at the trustworthy discretion of British Petroleum.

No pelicans were available for comment at the time of this writing.  However, many were seen boarding a BP tanker last week after receiving invitations to group movie showings of A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, and My Girl.

Lybian dictator Muammar Gadhafi had every intention of commenting on BP's response to the current oil climate, but backed out last minute, citing inclement weather and a prior commitment to a NATO-sponsored fireworks displays.

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