|An early benefactor of coercive acclimatization. Image: Kevin Jordan|
The group of climatologists, all of whom are members on the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), scheduled the press conference this morning so that it coincided with the 41st annual Earth Day, a holiday that has, since its inception, spread to numerous countries all over the world.
The members highlighted the pertinent research regarding global warming, covering rising sea levels, mass extinctions, and world epidemics with a seemingly apathetic and monotonous tone. Towards the end of the review summarizing the basic scientific ideas behind the theory, the climatologist explaining the material began to mumble and, eventually, walked out of the room while swearing passive-aggressively and declaring he would no longer waste his breath.
"After years of intensive research and published, peer-reviewed literature," another climatologist began once most of the press corps' attention was regained, "the IPCC has concluded based on various factors, including the overall disinterest and near-sighted tendencies associated with human nature, that we will no longer promote attempting to alleviate global warming through means of decreased greenhouse gas emissions or environmentally sustainable practices."
Instead, the climatologist explained, the IPCC would begin formally backing a plan to accelerate evolutionary effects, and attempt to prepare the environment for a warming climate, via a process the have dubbed "coercive acclimatization."
Coercive acclimatization, the IPCC explained, is a bipartisan, international idea, that will harness both the natural pessimism and selfishness of the general population, while also providing hippies and former U.S. Vice President Al Gore with an outlet for frustrations associated with their overall environmental failures over the years.
"By promoting coercive acclimatization, we can blur politcal party lines in my country, as well as around the world, and come together to help the environment and the planet, regardless of our motivations," a U.S. climatologist stated.
In the United States, a country where everyone fits into one of two major categories when it comes to their opinions on political issues, global warming is a topic of heated debate. Republicans tend to think that global warming is an elaborate hoax with the ultimate goal of preventing us from choosing to get our electricity from a finite resource, while Democrats for the most part think that petroleum is inherently evil, but blindly trust the scientific method and those who practice it.
"In order to implement coercive acclimatization," a British climatologist said in a strange accent, "we have begun to ask all of you to do your part in preparing the planet for global warming. We can no longer hope to reverse its effects, so we ask that you do everything you can to toughen the environment up so it can withstand the impending global heatwave."
The IPCC went on to ask that beginning on Earth Day, everyone wishing to battle global warming go outside and punch a tree.
"Right now, the environment is a bit of pussy," the U.S. climatologist said, much to the dismay of feminist groups. "We need you all to go out there and show it how to grow a pair."
The plan is expected to have far reaching success, as it also appeals to those who dislike the environment.
"Under the idea of coercive acclimatization, those to dislike the planet can go out and abuse the environment to their heart's delight, and rationalize it by saying they are merely practicing tough love."
The IPCC has posted suggestions on their website of how to help. Suggestions listed include physically beating one's local flora and fauna, breathing heavily on house plants to expose them to high concentrations of carbon dioxide, and holding a blowtorch to woodland creatures so they don't get used to pleasant, cold temperatures.
The idea of coercive acclimatization has been initially greeted with positive reactions.
Well-known skeptic Pat Michaels commended the IPCC for "finally seeing it his way," and is excited by the idea of being able to stop slaving over the scientific literature he is funded to produce.
Republican Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma, who famously said global warming was the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people, continued to deny that the issue existed, but joined in on the brainstorming by releasing a statement on his website suggesting that citizens living in coastal cities could be doused with fire hoses to help prepare them for rising sea levels.
It is unknown if Mr. Inhofe realized the racial insensitivities associated with his suggestion.
"We did the best we could to get through to you guys," the IPCC said to conclude the press conference. "To be honest, we've really just lost interest. So, Happy Earth Day, everybody. Now get out there and fuck up some trees."