Sunday, October 23, 2011

Man, 69, Dies

An artist's rendering of the victim.
An African man died Thursday after succumbing to injuries sustained from what appears to be an intense game of hide-and-seek gone wrong, witnesses said.

The 69-year-old man, whose name has never actually been agreed upon, apparently became injured after being found hiding in a large infrastructural orifice in his hometown.

"The guys who found him actually seemed pretty angry about it," a witness to the game said.  "It kind of makes me wonder if this man they found had taken one of their daughters out on a date and never called her again.  Or maybe he owed them money."

After being pulled from the orifice, the exchange between the old man and his captors escalated quickly, eventually leading to punches being thrown, and, allegedly, bullets being fired from very close range.

"This man has held an oppressive and unjust rule over my people for over four decades," one of the captors exaggerated.  "He deserved to pay for his crimes against humanity with the ultimate punishment."

Those well-versed in hide-and-seek etiquette believe the captor's statement is a metaphor meant to shed light on the old man's recent dominance of the popular childhood game.  It is believed that his "oppressive and unjust rule" refers to the man enjoying great success while holding a top competitive position in the hide-and-seek community for an extended period of time.

While it is generally agreed upon that hide-and-seek is not a game known to end in manslaughter, local authorities have decide it is best to simply not ask too many questions.

The man, who is believed to have been well-loved in the satirical community, is survived by several children, as well as his former voluptuous Ukrainian nurse.

This is the second high-profile hide-and-seek related death in six months after authorities raided a compound in Pakistan which was learned to be the likely whereabouts of notorious fugitive Waldo.

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