Thursday, October 6, 2011

More Than Just Debit Fees: Bank of America To Roll Out More New Charges

Coming on the heels of a recent decision to start charging debit card users a monthly fee, Bank of America announced today that it would begin testing new ways of increasing revenue early next year.

The new revenue strategies, which are meant to provide the bank with a protective monetary cushion against poor banking decisions, will begin in a market research capacity in January 2012, and the bank plans to implement the new policies nationwide by the following April.

The announcement comes in the wake of Bank of America's decision to charge those who make purchases with their debit card a $5 monthly fee--a decision that has not gone without fervent objection.

"Bank of America has not only its name to protect, but also its profits, and all that money people across the country trust us keep safe," a bank spokesman said in a press conference today.  "Not losing our customers' deposits means we have to take a lot of chances, and those chances need to be funded somehow.  Think of it in terms of hiding your money under a mattress to keep it safe.  If you don't light that mattress on fire, you'll never know if your cash is flame retardant, and we need debit card holders to buy us the matches and kerosene."

Opponents to the new law include many Bank of America debit card holders, owner's of Subway sandwich shops, some Asian prostitutes, and various other people who see five dollars as a particularly important sum of money.

In addition to debit card fees, Bank of America's upcoming changes will further fan the flaming mattress retardation.  The bank will begin selling $10 bills for $15 dollars and intends to charge an admission fee to enter any one of their 5,800 locations.

The spokesman, who stifled several giggles while defending the policies, explained that their importance lies in their ability to stabilize monetary market fucktuations.  It is generally believed he was supposed to say "fluctuations."

"In selling ten dollar bills at a 50% markup, we will be able to not only boost revenue, but also the morale that is often diminished along with monetary inflation.  Consumers will be better prepared for their money being worth less as the years progress," he said.

As for the admissions fees, Bank of America hopes they will encourage people to conduct more banking electronically.  In doing so, the bank urges people to use their debit cards more often, and makes bank tellers, whose salaries are a burden to us all, effectively obsolete.

"These new measures are truly measures of fairness," the spokesman explained.  "Holding onto everyone's money so that they don't lose it is a complicated, nuanced process, and we intend for these new policies to make that process as rapacious as possible."

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