Tuesday, November 22, 2011

New York Husband and Wife Having Marital Problems Now That Gay Marriage Is Legal

Governor Andrew Cuomo, that douche (Image).
A heterosexual New York couple has fallen on tough marital times in recent months after their state became the sixth to legalize same-sex marriage, a source close to the couple said yesterday.

Tracey and William Elder of Lockport, New York have seen their marriage descend into shambles since June when Governor Andrew Cuomo signed the bill into law that made it legal for homosexual men and women to get married.  Both Elders have opposed the measure for years.

"How can I be expected to love my husband the same way as before?" Tracey was overhead asking her friend at the salon last week, clearly concerned of the effects this contentious issue has had on her own marriage.

Since the bill went into effect this summer, Tracey has reportedly realized herself to be only minimally attracted to William, which has led her to increase the frequency at which she is withholding intercourse from her husband when he fucks up or when she needs to make a point about something.

"I haven't been sexually satisfied since the Clinton Administration," she said during her monthly cut and color.  "And even then it wasn't because of my husband--I was just driving down a bumpy road fantasizing about seducing Newt Gingrich after his newest wife becomes terminally ill.  I climaxed so suddenly I swerved onto someone's front lawn and slashed my tire on a garden gnome."



"I heard even when they do make love now, Tracey can't help but picture William's penis as being a gay man's penis," a friend close to the couple revealed.

Similarly, William has seen his share of marital struggles now that homosexuals are awarded the same rights as he is.  Sources close to the situation say that the bill has caused William to notice that Tracey has some really fucking annoying habits, including narrating her daily activities and laughing or groaning in an increasingly conspicuous way until William asks what she is reacting to.

"Honestly, some of the things my wife says make me want to eat my own ears just so I can have some goddamn peace and quiet," William said while staring at a group of young women stretching nearby.  "I'm like Van Gogh, except instead of craving attention, I'm craving silence."


The Elders, who have been married for 12 years, have two young children, neither of which William ever wanted nor pays any attention to.  Emma, 8, and Jeffrey, 5, were both conceived after Tracey poked holes in all of William's condoms, and are largely unloved by their father.

Margaret Andrews, a neighbor of the Elders who purposely gardens within earshot of their frequent arguments to keep herself entertained during the waning years of her life, has watched their marriage deteriorate since the law was passed.

"Sometimes the odds are just stacked against you," Andrews mused.  "I remember my boyfriend Walter was killed in the war when he stormed the beaches at Normandy, and the army sent his body back to be buried in California where his wife and kids were living at the time.  The two of us really had something special, but I think geography just got in the way."

The Elders, who live closely by the Bible's teachings, have always viewed homosexuality as an "abomination," as it is referred to in the Book of Leviticus.

"If we didn't follow what was written in the Good Book, the world would just be a sea of moral ambiguity and conflicting values," William, a clean-shaven man with a strong chin stated as Tracey, who loves lobster and shirts made of more than one fabric, looked on and nodded in agreement.

For Elizabeth Taylor, a marriage counselor from Tonawanda, New York, the Elders represent a classic case of "burdened happiness".

"Homosexual couples have formed strong bonds with their partners over the years fighting for the right to have their love legally recognized," Taylor explained while poking holes in her husband's condoms.  "This struggle in many cases has led to strong feelings of love and accomplishment for same-sex couples.  For a couple like the Elders, this success puts unwarranted pressure on them to try to settle their irreconcilable differences and love each other, which is something that is supposed to come naturally."

However, the Elders, who have not agreed on anything since 1999 when they exchanged vows, are too stubborn to be out-happily-married by the gays.  They have begun a petition within their community to overturn the recent law passed by Gov. Cuomo, and were even seen exchanging a look of genuine affection while passing out pamphlets near Lockport Town Hall this week.

For Tracey and William, same-sex marriage is about the love that two people share, and squashing it in a last-ditch, bigoted attempt to bolster the relationship they have done their best to tolerate for over a decade.

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