Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Kim Jong-illustrations of Perfection

I wanted to write the following in the satirical style of most of my recent posts.  I truly did.  The fact that over the weekend another high-profile dictator died at the ripe old age of 69 made my fingertips yearn to write a completely non-sensational post entitled "Another Man, 69, Also Dies."  As I considered the logistics of writing such a piece, however, I realized that Kim Jong-il is a man that does not need a literary device like satire to mock his story--he mocks it himself in ways that completely overshadow anything I could ever wish to make up about him.

(On another note, the more people I talk to, the more I realize that few people understand that the previously written-about African man dying from a game of hide and seek alludes to the death of Muammar Gaddafi, and that BP did not actually make a new grade of gasoline comprised heavily of human shit and oily pelican tears.  So for those who do not understand satire, are not familiar with news, or just happen to leave your head in your ass so that you don't lose track of it, I will preface the following by informing you that Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of the great-ish nation of North Korea, died this past weekend.

With that said, I would like to tell you all the story of one of the greatest men to ever live.

Rest in Peace, Dear Reader (Image)
Depending on who you ask, the late North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il was born on February 16, 1942.  Personally, I prefer to ask the North Korean government, because their version of the story is way more awesome.

According to his official biography, as well as North Korean documents, Kim Jong-il's birth occurred in a secret log cabin at his father's military base, conveniently located atop North Korea's sacred Mount Paektu.  His birth, naturally, was foretold by a swallow, which I assume implies that Kim is an extremely strong swimmer.  After all, making it from the tonsils to the fallopian tubes is no small feat. 

Kim's birth, according to the North Korean documents, caused winter to change to spring and a double rainbow to form over Mount Paektu.  I am also partial to the view that Kim Tokyo-drifted out of the womb before exercising his groundhog-like influence over Korean climate patterns, and made everyone in the country, as well as one American man on YouTube weep openly, but I'm promising to try really hard to stick to North Korean facts here.

Kim Jong-il was a man that represent the highest form of mental and emotional stability in the same way that a drunk man with an inner ear infection standing atop a tightrope situated over the San Andreas fault represented the highest form of physical stability.  Psychologists have likened his personality profile to those of prominent shitheads such as Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Saddam Hussein, and say that he exhibits behavior consistent with sadistic, paranoid, and antisocial personality disorders.

To those know-it-all psychologists I would like to pose the following question: would someone who struggled in school as a child and had a personality closely resembling Saddam Hussein give orders to to murder the family of his former teacher and blow up his childhood school after it started educating normal children that may have ended up being competition for his own kids?

What's that?  That sounds like exactly something he would do?  Interesting...

If Kim Jong-il was anything, he was confident in his own skin.  The 5'3" dictator was known for wearing elevator shoes to enhance his height, the proper term for which I believe is "manly step-ups." 

It is important to stress that Kim's height was not a point of self-consciousness, however.  North Korea has found no sturdy, incriminating evidence verifying reports that after the country had a poor showing in the 1989 Seoul Olympic games, he removed all disabled people from the capital city of Pyongyang in preparation for his inaugural event meant to outshine the Olympics: the World Festival of Youth and Students.  And the insinuations that he tried to remove short people from the gene pool by kidnapping them and sending them to a secluded island are just play silly.  It would take a special kind of crazy to pass out a pamphlet detailing a new "wonder drug" that makes short adults grow and rounding up all those that responded.

But then again, Kim Jong-il was a kind of crazy so special, North Korean textbooks and his official biography state that he did not urinate or defecate.  Much like I am convinced attractive women do, the man transcended feces.  Either that, or his bowels compacted matter into an area so small, astrophysicists are secretly considering him as one of the potential sources of the singularity that led to the Big Bang.  (Boom.  Astronomy pun.  You're welcome.)

Hear that, North Korea?  You could have claimed Kim Jong-il created the universe.  Missed the boat on that one, assholes.

Despite his stature and perpetually-clogged poop chute, Kim was not without immense talent.  In 1994 he scored a world record 38-under par on a regulation golf course, including 11 holes-in-one, a feat not even matched by Tiger Woods, a man who knows how to fill holes at an alarming frequency.  It was the first round of golf he had ever played.  The historic round was independently verified by all 17 of Kim's bodyguards, yet it somehow has not been recognized by any major golfing organization, the Guinness Book of World Records, or anyone else who has ever picked up a golf club and knows how fucking difficult it is to get a hole-in-one when there is a small novelty windmill involved, let alone when the hole is 400 yards away.

As many mulligans as he had during his record-faking round of golf, Kim had even more movies to his name.  He was well-know as a fan of cinema, and owned over 20,000 movies.  In an attempt to bolster North Korea's film industry in the 1970s, Kim did what any rational person would do, and began investing in cinema and marketing North Korean movies.

Nah, I'm just screwing with you, he kidnapped a famous South Korean director and his actress wife, jailed them and fed them grass after they attempted to escape, and ordered them to film his interpretations of Godzilla, amongst other classics.

While Kim has his eccentricities, it is only fair to note that he was a man who strove for equality at all times.

When it came to the dinner, he had a member of his staff inspect every grain of rice put on his plate, and remove any grains that were chipped, not plump enough, or not of uniform length.  This may sound ridiculous, but if you really think hard about it, it still sounds completely ridiculous...

Always a team player, Kim never wanted his staff of his fellow North Koreans to feel left out.  After suffering several painful injuries after falling off a horse in 1992, Kim was prescribed a strong painkiller to make him as comfortable as possible during his rehabilitation.  Not wanting to hog all the happy pills for himself, and being fearful he was going to become addicted and did not wish to be the only one, Kim instructed six members of his staff to take the pain killers along with him for a month.  For those who aren't well-versed in societal translation, this is the first-world equivalent of Daddy drinking to much, then slamming the heads of all of his family members against the wall the next morning because he wanted them to be in the hangover together.  You know, family bonding.

In 2007, Kim took his "sharing is caring" attitude to the general public after was instructed by his doctor to quit smoking.  It is generally believed that Kim misunderstood the order as racial insensitivity, and confused the "you" in "you must quit smoking" to being an all-encompassing "you" referring to all North Koreans, which would explain why the Dear Leader banned smoking shortly thereafter.

Through thick and thin, Kim Jong-il did his best to live no differently than the average North Korean.  As the country's privileged leader, however, there was bound to be minor areas where he enjoyed the perks of his job.  He was known to savor a sip of Hennessy, his favorite cognac, every so often to take the edge off his stressful days.  Hennessy, whose self-titled cognac retails for approximately $600 per bottle in North Korea, said that in 1993 and 1994 Kim was the largest single customer in the world, and bought an average of around $700,000 worth of the adult beverage per year over a ten year period.

They did not mention that the average North Korean annual salary is $900.

The death of Kim Jong-il is a loss that brings tears to the eyes of many.  For me personally, these tears stem from the fact that I never knew that researching Kim Jong-il would bring me so much joy.  For North Koreans, the tears stem from the fact that for a long time Kim Jong-il was the only person in North Korea allowed to go on the internet, so they have no idea how much of a douche he truly was.
And for this guy, the tears are for questions that will remain unanswered: What does it mean??

Rest in peace, Kim Jong-il, you stupid, lovable, sociopathic, entertaining, Grade-A bucket of bullshit.

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