Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Well, At Least Now No One in Kentucky Has to Learn How to Swim

I will start things off with a heartfelt disclaimer to assure that I will not feel any personal regret for any of the things I am about to say:

I try really hard to think of religion as something that is personal and special to all.  It is somewhere to turn in a time of need, and it gives comfort when thinking about the daunting nature of the unknown.  Because of this, attacking it as I attack all other bullshit is always, for me, toeing my line of decency.  This is good, however, because it proves to me that I still have one.  But, when people start forcing their religion on others, killing in the name of their god, fucking little boys, or substituting spiritual beliefs for rational thought, I tell my conscience to take the rest of the day off.  Guess what, assholes?  There are billions of people in this world that think their religious beliefs are correct.  But no, it's fine, I'm sure yours is the one that's right.  Let's do this.


...But how are they going to get it to the ocean? (Image)


It was recently brought to my attention that Northern Kentucky will soon to be home to a new theme park that will not, I have been assured by its website, be funded by taxpayer dollars, but will obey the physical laws of buoyancy, which I find ironic.  The theme of said park, which is set to open in 2014, will revolve around the main attraction: a full scale model of Noah's Ark.

For those who are unaware, the biblical story of Noah and his great big friggin' boat can be summed up as follows:

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Yahoo Reports Movie News By Reminding Everyone That They Are A Search Engine And Probably Weren't Hugged Enough As A Child

 One of the top stories on Yahoo.com at the time of this writing is that there's an unexpected new villain in the next Batman movie and online Yahoo searches are "surging." The top searches on Yahoo, also at the time of this writing, are:

1. Tamera Mowry
2. Bristol Palin
3. Arby's
4. Jennifer Hudson
5. Katy Perry
6. 9,400-year-old dog
7. Liam Neeson
8. Tiger Mom
9. Giant Crayfish
10. Don't ask, don't tell

Now I didn't click on the article, but I can only assume that in the movie Katy Perry suggestively eats a 9,400 year old Arby's hot dog and turns into a giant gay crayfish bent on terrorizing Gotham City.

No, but seriously, if it's Liam Neeson, Batman is fucked.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Astronomy Makes Astrology Its Bitch

Judging by that planetary alignment, you probably have herpes.
I've thought long and hard on how to approach this subject.  Lately I've been dancing around the points I've been trying to make using silly literary techniques like satire, poetry, and cartoons.  Well, cartoons aren't really literary.  But, since I'm so confident in my ability to construct a pretty impressive and structurally sound tower of bullshit arguing that they are, I'm just going to go ahead and lump cartoons into the same category with the rest of those pesky little bastards. Regardless, enough of all that rhetorical nonsense.  This topic makes me far too happy to approach it with anything but pure, unadulterated joy, gloating, immaturity, and scathing, pompous sarcasm that couldn't scream "I'm better than you" more if it were wearing a fucking crown.

For those that don't know, I very much enjoy the scientific field of study known as "astronomy."  Some people may call me a nerd upon learning of this little tidbit of funfactery (not to be confused with a "fun factory," which I think is where Jesus sends people of competing religious faiths to manufacture enjoyment for all of his followers while paying them a wage that is next to impossible to live on).  However, those people are just jealous and will someday be getting a meteorite sent straight at their faces, just as soon as I figure out how to control meteorites.