Declaring Global Warming Inevitable, Scientists Look to Accelerate Evolution

An early benefactor of coercive acclimatization.  Image: Kevin Jordan

An international group of renowned climate scientists held a press conference this morning, announcing a new recommended course of action to combat rising global temperatures.

The group of climatologists, all of whom are members on the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), scheduled the press conference this morning so that it coincided with the 41st annual Earth Day, a holiday that has, since its inception, spread to numerous countries all over the world.

The members highlighted the pertinent research regarding global warming, covering rising sea levels, mass extinctions, and world epidemics with a seemingly apathetic and monotonous tone.  Towards the end of the review summarizing the basic scientific ideas behind the theory, the climatologist explaining the material began to mumble and, eventually, walked out of the room while swearing passive-aggressively and declaring he would no longer waste his breath.

BP Helps Combat Rising Oil Prices by Introducing New Grade of Gasoline

A group of Gulf Coast pelicans collectively hope that karma's a bitch (Image: IBRRC)

Nearly one year after the start of BP's three month long oil spill deep in the Gulf of Mexico, the British-based oil giant has set out to help the American public combat the recent rise in oil prices.

As of April 5th, the average cost in the United States for a gallon of unleaded gasoline was just under $3.70 per gallon.  This price, which is one of the highest seen in the U.S. since prices hit $4.00 per gallon back in 2008, is due partly to instability in the Middle East, where long-oppressed peoples collectively realized in 140 characters or less that they outnumber their delusional dictators, and later realized they also have much smaller military arsenals.