Sunday, October 23, 2011

Man, 69, Dies

An artist's rendering of the victim.
An African man died Thursday after succumbing to injuries sustained from what appears to be an intense game of hide-and-seek gone wrong, witnesses said.

The 69-year-old man, whose name has never actually been agreed upon, apparently became injured after being found hiding in a large infrastructural orifice in his hometown.

"The guys who found him actually seemed pretty angry about it," a witness to the game said.  "It kind of makes me wonder if this man they found had taken one of their daughters out on a date and never called her again.  Or maybe he owed them money."

After being pulled from the orifice, the exchange between the old man and his captors escalated quickly, eventually leading to punches being thrown, and, allegedly, bullets being fired from very close range.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

More Than Just Debit Fees: Bank of America To Roll Out More New Charges

Coming on the heels of a recent decision to start charging debit card users a monthly fee, Bank of America announced today that it would begin testing new ways of increasing revenue early next year.

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The new revenue strategies, which are meant to provide the bank with a protective monetary cushion against poor banking decisions, will begin in a market research capacity in January 2012, and the bank plans to implement the new policies nationwide by the following April.


The announcement comes in the wake of Bank of America's decision to charge those who make purchases with their debit card a $5 monthly fee--a decision that has not gone without fervent objection.

"Bank of America has not only its name to protect, but also its profits, and all that money people across the country trust us keep safe," a bank spokesman said in a press conference today.  "Not losing our customers' deposits means we have to take a lot of chances, and those chances need to be funded somehow.  Think of it in terms of hiding your money under a mattress to keep it safe.  If you don't light that mattress on fire, you'll never know if your cash is flame retardant, and we need debit card holders to buy us the matches and kerosene."

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Writer Decides to Get Off Lazy Ass and Write Something

A Writer got off his lazy ass and wrote something today after remaining silent for a disappointingly lengthy or insignificant amount of time, depending on who you talk to.

The Writer, who has little to no credentials, yet trumpets his own literary deeds as if they are worthy of a Pulitzer, has not said why he went on hiatus.  Rumors and unsubstantiated hearsay on the matter have swirled, and mostly from unverified sources, since fact-checking is a pretty big pain in the balls.