New York Husband and Wife Having Marital Problems Now That Gay Marriage Is Legal

Governor Andrew Cuomo, that douche (Image).

A heterosexual New York couple has fallen on tough marital times in recent months after their state became the sixth to legalize same-sex marriage, a source close to the couple said yesterday.

Tracey and William Elder of Lockport, New York have seen their marriage descend into shambles since June when Governor Andrew Cuomo signed the bill into law that made it legal for homosexual men and women to get married.  Both Elders have opposed the measure for years.

"How can I be expected to love my husband the same way as before?" Tracey was overhead asking her friend at the salon last week, clearly concerned of the effects this contentious issue has had on her own marriage.

Since the bill went into effect this summer, Tracey has reportedly realized herself to be only minimally attracted to William, which has led her to increase the frequency at which she is withholding intercourse from her husband when he fucks up or when she needs to make a point about something.

"I haven't been sexually satisfied since the Clinton Administration," she said during her monthly cut and color.  "And even then it wasn't because of my husband--I was just driving down a bumpy road fantasizing about seducing Newt Gingrich after his newest wife becomes terminally ill.  I climaxed so suddenly I swerved onto someone's front lawn and slashed my tire on a garden gnome."

Belt-Obsessed Filipino Congressman Escapes Assault and Battery Charges

A Filipino congressman inexplicably avoided charges after assaulting a Mexican man in Las Vegas, Nevada last night in a reported dispute over a belt.

Emmanuel Dapidran Pacquiao, a politician representing the province of Sarangani in the Philippines, assaulted the man relentlessly for an estimated 36 minutes, and apparently has an infatuation with gaudy, over sized, trouser-securing accessories, roughly 16,000 witnesses said.

The victim sustained several cuts around his eyes as well as a likely broken face.

"I'm really not sure why they both wanted the belt so bad," one Nevadan said.  "If I were to guess, I'd say it was one of them rare clothing accessories that goes with a bunch of different outfits, even them weird Philippine get-ups."

"He's right," the Nevadan's lady-escort confirmed.  "You can dress it up or dress it down."

Unfortunately, no witnesses of any higher intelligence were available for comment.