Thursday, December 20, 2012

An Incomplete Guide to the Mayan Apocalypse


Depending upon who you talk to, the world may or may not meet its apocalyptic doom on Friday.  If you’re talking to someone with critical thinking skills, their plans for Friday may include going to class or work, finishing up holiday shopping, seeing friends and loved ones,  and drinking heavily.  If you’re talking with someone without critical thinking skills, their Friday agenda may substitute the “going to class or work” for “sharpening knifes or loading guns” and “holiday shopping” might involve less Xbox games and more dehydrated meats.  Also, “seeing friends and loved ones” will occur in a bunker.  Drinking heavily will likely happen regardless.

The reason for the impending apocalyptic hullabaloo, which has grown steadily in recent years, has mainly to do with a severe lack of fact-checking and a gross misunderstanding about how calendars work.  Seeing as I once wrote a term paper on Mayan cosmology in college and also have access to Google, I feel that it is my duty to give a little background on the impending Mayan doomsday and set the record straight.  I did concerningly little fact-checking of my own while writing this piece, but since I’m sure that I’ve still done more of it than the people who expect the world to end on Friday, I really don’t feel bad about that.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Local Turkey Wondering Where the Hell Everybody Went

An area turkey was reportedly seen wandering around aimlessly today wondering where the hell everybody went.

The turkey, who goes by Marty, says that he has fallen out of touch with many of his friends and family over the past weeks and months, and in recent days has not seen or heard from anyone.

“It’s to the point that I’m wondering if I’m actually supposed to be a migratory bird and no one ever told me,” Marty said to reporters today while not covered in gravy.  “Every year when the leaves change and it begins to get cold all of my peers seem to start disappearing.”

Friday, November 9, 2012

I Voted!: A Story of the Democratic Process

Just wanted everyone to know... (Image)

My plan for casting my ballot on Election Day was simple: I knew the polls opened at 7:00 a.m. and I wanted to be one of the first in line so that I could get in, get out, and get on with my day.  This is my story...

7:08 A.M. – I awake to sun shining through my window and quickly realizing that the cell phone I use as an alarm had likely died during the night, and that my plan to breeze through the day’s democratic process might be completely fucked.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I'm a Leaf. Please Stop Watching Me Die.

How 'bout you make make like a tree and stop friggin' staring at me? (Image)

What the fuck are you staring at?

Yeah, you, with the spotless North Face jacket and the brand new pair of hiking boots.  I’m talking to you.

It’s been almost twenty minutes and you’re still standing there, holding your girlfriend in your arms, lovingly rubbing her shoulders to keep her warm, and gazing at me with gleeful awe like a recently adopted street urchin in an adequately-stocked kitchen.  You know it’s not even cold outside, right?

Some of the evergreens warned me this would happen.  I’ve been riding high for the past six months, soaking in the rays and trippin’ on chlorophyll.  But they told me the fun was going to end eventually.  As soon as the days got shorter and those cold nights set in they knew things were going to change.  And they knew you’d coming running to watch the horror unfold.  And you’d savor it.  You sick fucks.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Missouri Congressman Baffled That His Brain Doesn't Secrete Substance That Makes Him Shut the Hell Up

Missouri Congressman Todd Akin (Image)
Missouri Congressman Todd Akin (R) released a statement today expressing his sincere confusion in regards to the inner workings of the human brain.

Akin, who angered many Americans this past weekend when he said that the female body is unable to conceive a child when legitimately raped, expressed genuine concern about his remarks.

"For me to state that a woman's body shuts down all reproductive processes when being raped was both troubling and confusing," Akin said.  "The fact that my brain did not secrete some sort of chemical to prevent these words from audibly exiting my face is extremely disconcerting."

Akin, a 65-year-old U.S. Representative challenging Democrat Claire McCaskill for her seat in the U.S. Senate this November, asked for privacy during this difficult time.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Wake the Fuck Up

Last summer I was perusing the bookshelves at Barnes & Noble and stumbled across a book in the bestseller section that caught my attention.  It was a tongue-in-cheek bedtime story written from the point of view of a frustrated parent.  The story was called "Go the Fuck to Sleep", and it pissed me off.

I read through the story without a hint of amusement.  That book, I later learned, had debuted at #1 on the New York Times Bestseller list, and I was convinced I could have written the shit out of it.  You know...if I had thought of it first.

I endlessly lamented that missed opportunity for a year.  However, I eventually came to terms with the fact that I had never been a parent, and therefore had not experienced what it was like to make a child shut its adorable little face and got to bed.  Nor did I have any memories of being a child that refused to slumber.  But I do have recollection of being a teenager, and what a pain in the nuts I probably was when I declined to drag my ass out of bed in the morning.  So, for the sake of a sequel, I present to you my contribution to frustrated parents of lazy teenagers everywhere.  Read in the voice of Morgan Freeman for maximum enjoyment.

"Wake the Fuck Up"

Sunday, June 17, 2012

An Ode to Non-Fathers Day

Do you like my mustache, ladies? Too bad, you can't have it. (Image)
In 1972, Father’s Day was celebrated as an official national holiday in the United States for the first time.  Seen as a landmark equal rights victory by many men who were most likely not married or fathers, the day became an official holiday over 58 years after the inauguration of Mother’s Day by that pussy-whipped feminist Woodrow Wilson.  And while many fathers across the country and across the world have made countless positive impacts worthy of praise, let’s not pretend that they are not without their flaws.  Fathers have overshadowed many other men throughout history, and have made life a virtually thankless journey for those who have chosen not to reproduce, or, through the cruel process of natural selection, have had nature choose that path for them.  You know, because they're ugly.

Fathers, while certainly an important part of a child’s life, are not infallible.  Before crowning them as kings and kissing their feet, we cannot forget their potential for harm and wrongdoing.  Fathers have, among other misdeeds, raped, killed, and stolen, and are at least partly to blame for the Holocaust, Osama Bin Laden, and Justin Bieber.  Fathers have refused to tell us they are proud of us.  They have forgotten to call on our birthdays.  Fathers have drank too much and thrown up on the kitchen floor, and then used the cat to wipe it up.  I can’t prove that last one, but sometimes we just need to play the numbers and rest assured that based on probability, a drunken father has, at some point, used the family pet as a ShamWow.  It’s a statistical fact.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

The Do's and Don'ts of Text Messaging

As Spiderman’s Uncle Ben once said, “Peter, I think I’ll take the bus today.”

Wait, no.  Sorry.  He said, “With great power, comes great responsibility.”  And then he got his car jacked and died.

 "This man just asked if I'm DTF.  I am, right?" (Image)
Regardless, in an age increasingly full of technology, the need to use the resources at our fingertips with the utmost responsibility has never been greater.  Text messaging, which is one of those things that people under the age of 40 could do in their sleep and that people over the age of 40 are pretty sure is witchcraft, has become both a blessing and a curse for many of us.  It allows us to communicate quickly and efficiently in times when a phone call may not be appropriate or our carrier pigeon is on the fritz. 

However, it could also be argued that text messaging helps to limit the amount of time we spend communicating  face to face, subsequently undermining our interpersonal skills and necessity to have actual human interaction.  To prove my point, I’m willing to admit that I once had a romantic relationship that was entirely through text message.  And to unprove my point, that’s a lie.  But it sounded pretty plausible didn’t it?  Stand up and hoot like an owl if I fooled you.  I sincerely hope you’re in public.

With all that said, I feel that it’s necessary that we all agree on a set of guidelines which highlight the do's and don’ts of texting.  Please read the following carefully, and then pass along to your friends via messages of 160 characters or less.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Dear America, If I'm Elected President...

Dear America,

The race for the 2012 Republican nomination for President of the United States has been in progress for quite some time.  The debate that started it all took place May 5th, 2011, and since then the number of candidates in the race has dwindled to just four.  With the exception of Ron Paul, every candidate has had their moment as front runner and shown promise in the polls as a viable nominee for the presidency.  And with a four-way race at the polls still showing a strong divide within the Republican Party, I believe the opportunity still exists for yet another candidate to make their political presence—and presence in general—known to voters.

With that said, I would like to offer my public service as that new potential candidate for the Republican nominee for President of the United States.  This is not a declaration of the formation of an exploratory committee, because I don’t have much money, nor am I very good with commitment.  Nor have I formally registered as a presidential candidate, because I’m really not the best at filling out paperwork, which I assume would be required.  With that said, I would like to paint a picture for you of an America under my administration using the brushstrokes of my brain.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Whale Slavery: A PETA Story

Slaves are bigger in person... (Image)
I would like all of you to join me in a thought experiment.

For those who have issues with thoughts, experimentation, or making decisions, please turn back now.

On October 26, 2011, a landmark lawsuit was filed on behalf of a group of individuals whose hardships are often overlooked.  People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), an organization famous for keeping an eye on the underdog, putting a roof over its head, and subsequently euthanizing it, filed the suit to shed light on the social injustice that is constantly drowned out by issues such as same-sex marriage, unemployment, and other things that actually matter.

The social injustice I’m talking about, of course, is whale slavery.

The lawsuit was filed on behalf of five SeaWorld orca whales that, according to PETA, are forced to perform tricks against their will and are not given compensation for this aforementioned trickery.  According to Jeffrey Kerr, the lawyer representing the five whales, SeaWorld is violating the 13th Amendment—which abolished slavery—by “forcing members of an intelligent, social species” to perform this work against their will.  While many maintain that this amendment to the Constitution applies only to humans, Kerr argues that this is not explicitly stated so it must be false, which I argue is the legal equivalent of the referee in Air Bud declaring that a golden retriever can join a youth basketball game because there “ain’t no rule that says a dog can’t play basketball.”

On February 9, 2011, U.S. District Judge Jeffrey Miller dismissed the case, saying in his ruling that “As 'slavery' and 'involuntary servitude' are uniquely human activities, as those terms have been historically and contemporaneously applied, there is simply no basis to construe the Thirteenth Amendment as applying to non-humans.”

While the court’s decision to throw out the case was not surprising, it did thrust a radical theoretical discussion of animal rights into the mainstream.  It also probably pissed off a lot of black people.  So, I find it necessary to think deeply about what may have happened in the realm of animal rights had the plaintiffs won this lawsuit.

Therefore, as mentioned above, I would like you to join me in the following thought experiment.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Haiku the News: 2/11/12 - 2/17/12

Important Haiku About The Week's News

I had shit to do
this week.  Write your own goddamn
Japanese poems.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Haiku the News: 2/4 - 2/10

MMMMM...Frothy...  (Credit: Gage Skidmore)
Another week, and yet another collection of irresponsibly oversimplified news stories from the past seven days.  Feel free to click all those news links I hid amongst the poems.  It'll be like an easter egg hunt, except the easter eggs are Japanese poetry and the stuff inside is knowledge.  Tasty, delicious knowledge...

Our Frothy Future President?

Santorum wins three
states.  I guess no one in those
states have Googled him...

To Stop Gay Marriage, Go Straight to the Source

Prop 8 overturned.
Husbands, wives agree to stop
making gay babies.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Haiku the News 1/28 - 2/3

Links provided for those who don't think they can get the whole story in only 17 syllables (...this is why the Japanese are better than us).

White Guilt History Month Weather Report

Phil predicts six more
winter weeks, runs from shadow.
Shadows are Black.  Racist.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Local Badger Sees Shadow, Demands Respect

The weather-predicting badger, likely defecating behind a plant (Image)
An area badger is up in arms today after news that the suspiciously timeless Punxsutawney Phil--the Pennsylvania groundhog that has attempted to predict the coming of Spring every February 2nd since 1887--declared vaguely that Winter would continue 6 more weeks this year.

The badger, who doesn't have a name, because he's a fucking badger, is disputing Phil's prediction this year on the grounds of flawed prediction methods and historical inaccuracy.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A Brief History of Groundhog Day

I think Punxsutawney Phil just stared into my soul and made it shit itself (Image)
Every year on February 2nd, people all over North America emerge from their homes and gather to honor an age-old tradition.  This tradition, which is practiced in towns stretching from Texas to Canada, lends an ear to a minority whose words are not often heard, and extends a large, figurative middle finger to meteorologists all over the world.

Groundhog Day, a tradition that has taken an especially firm stranglehold on the small community of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania since 1886, relies on whether or not local groundhogs see their shadow upon exiting their burrows on the morning of February 2nd.  On a deeper level, the tradition's foundation teeters precariously on whether or not a groundhog understands what a shadow is.

Many mammals compete to be the face of Groundhog Day.  Those vying for the holiday spotlight (...the Sun) include Wiarton Willie from Ontario, Shubenacadie Sam from Nova Scotia, Staten Island Chuck, Bill Murray, and the "Prairie Prognosticator" Balzac Billy, whose name sounds suspiciously like a scrotum.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Haiku the News 1/20-1/27

It has come to my attention recently that when I write I tend to write a lot.  I'm a man with a great deal of feelings on matters that are often completely irrelevant to our daily lives.  And to get these feelings out, it's often necessary for me to challenge the attention span of any of my readers and perhaps ramble to the point that I get questions such as "How is it possible that the Snuggie could bother you this much?".

Honestly, have you seen the goddamn thing?  It's ridi-

No, no, now isn't the time for that.  I understand that people's lives are complicated.  And because of that, many of us like to simplify complex ideas into 140 characters or less.  And while that's neither intellectually or grammatically a good idea, I understand the temptation.  So to make it up to all of you, I've decided to start speaking your language: Japanese.

Starting today, every Friday I will begin summarizing the top stories from the past week, each one in the format of a haiku poem.  Only 17 syllables.  It's the Twitter of Japanese poetry. (Sorry, Japanese poetry.)  So to all of you who can't ever seem to know what's going on in the world because news stories are too long and complicated, and to all of you that just can't comprehend something unless it has a rhyme scheme or poetic structure, this is my attempt to keep you informed.  So with that said, I present to you the news in haikus....

Domestic Affairs

Newt wins primary,
Then leaves South Carolina.
...They all have cancer.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Toddlers and Mother F***ing Tiaras

Knowledge is one of the most valuable and beautiful gifts that we can give ourselves in this world.

Ghandi once said "Live as if you were to die tomorrow.  Learn as if you were to live forever."  And while these words are so profound I put them on a sticky note next to my alarm clock in college in hopes it would motivate me to get my ass out of bed on time, there is something that peaceful little son of a bitch forgot to mention about knowledge.

Some things, no matter how hard you try, you just can't unlearn.

Sure, there are some things, such as the Snuggie, that make me a bit cranky.  But if I was in a freezing car, broken down on the side of the road in the middle of a blizzard and needed to stay warm to stave off possible hypothermia, would I wrap myself in a Snuggie to keep warm?  Of course not.  But I wouldn't blame someone else if they did.  Do what you need to do to to stay alive.  But maybe just plan ahead next time and have a bathrobe handy instead.  Or, you know....real clothes.

There are a few things, however, that when I research them send me into a fit of pale Irish fury so severe that I have difficulty forming complete sentences out loud.  Luckily, this blog is all about the written word, so I will do my best to articulate in writing the heaping pile of bullshit I have just discovered courtesy of the interwebs.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Snug Life: How The General Public's Inexplicable Difficulties With Using A Blanket Properly Has Ruined Fashion Forever

With this TV Hat I can watch my hemorrhaging social life from the comfort of my own headgear!
For those that are not aware, the Snuggie and I have a special relationship; sort of in the way that arsonists have a special relationship with the things they light on fire.

Until several years ago, I was a mild-tempered, carefree young man that viewed the world through a lens of happiness, rainbows, and butterflies.  I saw unique beauty in everything around me, no matter how small and no matter how simple.

At this point, you're probably tempted to ask for a list of all the hallucinogenic drugs I must have been taking at the time.  But in reality, I was just a na├»ve person that had not yet had my innocence turned around backwards, marketed as the new trendy solution to warmth and coziness, and whored out to everyone with a drafty living room and a lack of critical thinking skills.

Ever since I began this unnecessary, but personal feud with the Snuggie, I have grown increasingly cynical and sarcastic towards the things in this world that I find to be absolutely ridiculous.  I can't hold down a job, my personal relationships have suffered, I have nightmares, and I spend some of my days conducting cursory research on potential writing topics, all the while knowing that it likely won't result in anything more than me writing a depressingly elaborate poop joke.

All those things notwithstanding, the Snuggie's most inexcusable influence lies in what it has done to the fashion industry.  For those who haven't fallen into the trap of thinking that skinny jeans are more of a replacement for dieting than they are a piece of clothing that leaves very little to the imagination, the Snuggie's influence has opened the door for many new methods for clothing oneself.  Since the "invention" of the Snuggie, fashion has gotten lazier, frumpier, and fleecier, but to my knowledge, no more flame-retardant.  For those of you who have managed to remain oblivious to these concerning trends, I would like to highlight some of the recently introduced pieces of clothing that make me want to set their wearers aflame.