Friday, January 27, 2012

Haiku the News 1/20-1/27

It has come to my attention recently that when I write I tend to write a lot.  I'm a man with a great deal of feelings on matters that are often completely irrelevant to our daily lives.  And to get these feelings out, it's often necessary for me to challenge the attention span of any of my readers and perhaps ramble to the point that I get questions such as "How is it possible that the Snuggie could bother you this much?".

Honestly, have you seen the goddamn thing?  It's ridi-

No, no, now isn't the time for that.  I understand that people's lives are complicated.  And because of that, many of us like to simplify complex ideas into 140 characters or less.  And while that's neither intellectually or grammatically a good idea, I understand the temptation.  So to make it up to all of you, I've decided to start speaking your language: Japanese.

Starting today, every Friday I will begin summarizing the top stories from the past week, each one in the format of a haiku poem.  Only 17 syllables.  It's the Twitter of Japanese poetry. (Sorry, Japanese poetry.)  So to all of you who can't ever seem to know what's going on in the world because news stories are too long and complicated, and to all of you that just can't comprehend something unless it has a rhyme scheme or poetic structure, this is my attempt to keep you informed.  So with that said, I present to you the news in haikus....

Domestic Affairs

Newt wins primary,
Then leaves South Carolina.
...They all have cancer.

The Fall of Billy Cundiff

Historical fact:
All dinosaurs go extinct.

Astronomy, Not Astrology

Sun storm? For sure? HOROSCOPES

We Da People

State of the Union.
Can't make out a word of it.
Goddamn Ebonics.

Can I Get Them on iTunes?

Tape recordings of
J.F.K. released. What in
the fuck is a tape?

The Wheel of Fortune Drinking Game

Pat drunk at the Wheel.
Don't blame him.  Two Vanna Whites
are better than one.


  1. When are we getting a mobile version?

  2. Of news haikus? I honestly can't say that there's an app for that...