Monday, January 2, 2012

Snug Life: How The General Public's Inexplicable Difficulties With Using A Blanket Properly Has Ruined Fashion Forever



With this TV Hat I can watch my hemorrhaging social life from the comfort of my own headgear!
For those that are not aware, the Snuggie and I have a special relationship; sort of in the way that arsonists have a special relationship with the things they light on fire.

Until several years ago, I was a mild-tempered, carefree young man that viewed the world through a lens of happiness, rainbows, and butterflies.  I saw unique beauty in everything around me, no matter how small and no matter how simple.

At this point, you're probably tempted to ask for a list of all the hallucinogenic drugs I must have been taking at the time.  But in reality, I was just a na├»ve person that had not yet had my innocence turned around backwards, marketed as the new trendy solution to warmth and coziness, and whored out to everyone with a drafty living room and a lack of critical thinking skills.

Ever since I began this unnecessary, but personal feud with the Snuggie, I have grown increasingly cynical and sarcastic towards the things in this world that I find to be absolutely ridiculous.  I can't hold down a job, my personal relationships have suffered, I have nightmares, and I spend some of my days conducting cursory research on potential writing topics, all the while knowing that it likely won't result in anything more than me writing a depressingly elaborate poop joke.

All those things notwithstanding, the Snuggie's most inexcusable influence lies in what it has done to the fashion industry.  For those who haven't fallen into the trap of thinking that skinny jeans are more of a replacement for dieting than they are a piece of clothing that leaves very little to the imagination, the Snuggie's influence has opened the door for many new methods for clothing oneself.  Since the "invention" of the Snuggie, fashion has gotten lazier, frumpier, and fleecier, but to my knowledge, no more flame-retardant.  For those of you who have managed to remain oblivious to these concerning trends, I would like to highlight some of the recently introduced pieces of clothing that make me want to set their wearers aflame.




The Forever Lazy
For all those who like the idea of the Snuggie, but hate how it lets in the cold, unforgiving air when you stand up, and the cold, unforgiving looks of disapproval when you go out in public, the Forever Lazy with help remedy the former issue.  To remedy the latter, never leave your bedroom.

The Forever Lazy is a full body fleece jumpsuit made for those chilly winter days when you've pretty much decided you've given up on things like buttons, belts, and dignity.  It features a drawstring hood and a namesake that indicates the wearer will be hopelessly sedentary until the day they die.  The Forever Lazy is complete with a zippered trap door around the buttocks for those who don't want to undress when they need to drop a two-sie, but still aren't depressed enough to shamelessly crap their pink, fleece, adult footie pajamas.

The Forever Lazy is great for your next cold-weather tailgate or sporting event, provided that you are not tailgating for a real sporting event or with other people.

Pajama Jeans
If you're not quite ready to enter into a life of warm, cozy, reclusion, but still find pants to be frivolous and difficult to put on, you may just be a prime candidate for Pajama Jeans, and likely an avid Wal-Mart shopper.

Pajama Jeans are an all natural blue jean substitute made from spandex and lies.  Pajama Jeans have no buttons, no zippers, and are not in any way jeans.  They are made too look like denim, but fit snugly and comfortably like your favorite pair of pajamas, assuming your favorite pajamas involve pants and not a hooded jumpsuit.

Those who order the Pajama Jeans will receive a one pair of these spandex sensations and a free long-sleeve shirt, which together are a $100 value!

Bullshit!

Booty Pop
The Booty Pop panties are the perfect complement to your new pair of Pajama Jeans.  Booty Pop are essentially a pair of malicious misrepresentations padded with false advertising on one side and empty promises on the other.  What I mean to say is that the purpose of these panties are to lift your sagging ass, all while providing padding on either cheek to make your posterior a bit more Shakira-ier.

With Booty Pop panties, you'll have that plump, shapely caboose you've always wanted.  You'll attract men that won't be able to get enough of your backside.  In fact, they may even shamelessly hit on you, come home with you intent on a bout of steamy, pants-less passion, and take your Pajama Jeans off.  Unfortunately, these men will have their dreams crushed upon catching sight of your padded butt bumps and sulk home wondering if they'll ever to be able to trust again.

The Napsack
Sometimes there are days where you just don't want to get out of bed, but there are just too many things you need to get done.  The outside world is freezing and your bed is warm and toasty.  The only logical remedy to this predicament?  Sleep in a bed that you can also wear.

For those that refuse to just drag their lazy ass out of bed like the rest of us, the Poler Napsack is just the answer.  This ingenious garment is a sleeping bag with arm holes, leg holes, and a hood, and lets the wearer experience what it feels like to live in a sack race.  No need to roll out of bed anymore.  Simply extend the useful appendages of your choice outside the Napsack and leave the rest of your body in this sleek, stylish, microfiber cocoon of sadness.

The only downside to the Napsack is that it does not have sleeves to keep your arms warm during those pesky life tasks that always seem to nag you on a daily basis.  Luckily, my man Snuggie will have you covered so long as you wear him or the Forever Lazy underneath your Napsack.  It also looks extremely difficult to have sex while wearing the Napsack, but to be fair, those wearing it probably gave up on having the feeling of anything but fleece or spandex touching them long ago.

TV Hat
Luckily, for those that think it is entirely necessary to wear the aforementioned garments, but feel the debilitating effects of being socially ostracized as a result, there's the TV Hat.  The TV Hat uses an over-sized brim and blinders to shield you from the outside world that won't accept you for the padded-fuzzy-ball-living-in-a-sack that you are, and allows you to feel the happiness you thought you had lost while trying to prevent yourself from feeling slightly-lower-than-room-temperature air.

No buttons?  No contact with the outside world?  No problem.  Yes, you've made yourself practically Amish, but there's no need to take that extra step towards authenticity and avoid the wonders of television.  Watch it while you're on the treadmill you can't bring yourself to step onto.  Watch it while you cook comfort food over an open flame that I sincerely hope will jump just high enough to set the sleeve of your Snuggie ablaze whilst somehow not harming you.  Because come on, I'm not evil, I just think your outfits are friggin' stupid.


Honestly, just put on a sweatshirt and some pants.


Idiots.

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