Saturday, March 24, 2012

Dear America, If I'm Elected President...

Dear America,

The race for the 2012 Republican nomination for President of the United States has been in progress for quite some time.  The debate that started it all took place May 5th, 2011, and since then the number of candidates in the race has dwindled to just four.  With the exception of Ron Paul, every candidate has had their moment as front runner and shown promise in the polls as a viable nominee for the presidency.  And with a four-way race at the polls still showing a strong divide within the Republican Party, I believe the opportunity still exists for yet another candidate to make their political presence—and presence in general—known to voters.

With that said, I would like to offer my public service as that new potential candidate for the Republican nominee for President of the United States.  This is not a declaration of the formation of an exploratory committee, because I don’t have much money, nor am I very good with commitment.  Nor have I formally registered as a presidential candidate, because I’m really not the best at filling out paperwork, which I assume would be required.  With that said, I would like to paint a picture for you of an America under my administration using the brushstrokes of my brain.

If I’m elected President, the United States will undoubtedly become a better place.  Traffic jams will not exist and every chair will have lumbar support.  Farts will smell like peppermint and thus candy canes will technically be fart flavored.  Hurricanes will be named retroactively as to not ruin the lives, for example, of people already named Katrina.  As a national security measure, all zoos will begin breeding armies of honey badgers, which will be deployed in the event of a foreign invasion, whether the invaders be British musicians or otherwise.   PETA will not have a say in this matter.  If PETA tries to have a say in this matter—or any matter, for that matter—they will be honey-badgered into submission.

If I’m elected President, the national beverage will rotate daily between low-fat chocolate milk, whiskey, and an IV drip containing all the major nutrients not obtainable via chocolate milk or whiskey.  Static electricity will be harnessed as a military-grade weapon and all future wars will be fought on carpets by soldiers wearing fuzzy socks.  Furthermore, carpet bombing will begin referring to attacking enemies with actual exploding carpets.  If our enemy is extra douchey, those carpets will be caked with kitten and puppy fur, as I assume all terrorists are allergic to things that are adorable.

Under my administration, the prison system will be dramatically overhauled.  All those are found guilty of violent crimes will be tickled until an epileptic fit is induced.  All non-ticklish violent criminals will have buffalo sauce squirted into all of their bodily orifices on a daily basis.  The severity of the violence will determine the spiciness of the sauce, the spiciest of which will most likely develop a slang term along the lines of “Anus-Scorching Nuclear Body Hole Lava.”  All those who misuse the word “literally” will literally be slapped with a dictionary.  Oh, and rapists will be fed to the Reavers.

I view the future of the Nation as one that will be streamlined based on the most logical of ideas.  If I’m elected President, airplanes will be fueled with Red Bull, and therefore will no longer need to be built with wings.  The production costs saved from this policy will range between staggeringly beneficial and economically disastrous, depending on whom you ask and how much Red Bull is in their system at the time.  Subjects in school will be combined so that students may learn twice as much material in half the time.  Course offerings will include “Geology and Religion,” “Spench: A Few of Those Languages in Europe,” and “Sex Education and Statistics.”  Catholic schools will likely refer to these courses as “Religion,” “Spench: A Few of Those Languages in Europe,” and “Statistics,” respectively.

I can unequivocally declare that if I’m elected, the America we live in will be transformed into an America we actually want to live it.  Pride in our country will be restored to immediately-post-9/11 levels, but will actually remain there even after the tiny American flags fall off of our cars.  While my qualifications for Commander in Chief are not well-known, they are reliable and true.  I have a better singing voice than Mitt Romney and less ex-wives than Newt Gingrich.  I have less nicknames involving lube and fecal matter than Rick Santorum.  Lastly, I’m not Ron Paul.

If you elect me, America, you will be gaining a President that radiates confidence, burps diplomacy, craps wisdom, and smells like cinnamon wrapped in world peace.  Am I the right person for the job?  I’ll let you decide.

Good luck, America.


Elite Thinker of Things
Potential Candidate for the Republican Nomination for President of the United States of America


  1. Replies
    1. How could you not vote for him Charlie?

    2. Under my administration, no means yes.

    3. Elite...........this is not the place for that conversation..........

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.