As Spiderman’s Uncle Ben once said, “Peter, I think I’ll take the bus today.”
Wait, no. Sorry. He said, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” And then he got his car jacked and died.
|"This man just asked if I'm DTF. I am, right?" (Image)|
Regardless, in an age increasingly full of technology, the need to use the resources at our fingertips with the utmost responsibility has never been greater. Text messaging, which is one of those things that people under the age of 40 could do in their sleep and that people over the age of 40 are pretty sure is witchcraft, has become both a blessing and a curse for many of us. It allows us to communicate quickly and efficiently in times when a phone call may not be appropriate or our carrier pigeon is on the fritz.
However, it could also be argued that text messaging helps to limit the amount of time we spend communicating face to face, subsequently undermining our interpersonal skills and necessity to have actual human interaction. To prove my point, I’m willing to admit that I once had a romantic relationship that was entirely through text message. And to unprove my point, that’s a lie. But it sounded pretty plausible didn’t it? Stand up and hoot like an owl if I fooled you. I sincerely hope you’re in public.
With all that said, I feel that it’s necessary that we all agree on a set of guidelines which highlight the do's and don’ts of texting. Please read the following carefully, and then pass along to your friends via messages of 160 characters or less.
DO: Use Punctuation (And If You’re Feeling Frisky, Maybe Even Some Capital Letters)
Grammatical symbols such as commas, periods, and question marks are generally used for good reason. Even semicolons are important, even though; it’s doubtful anyone actually knows how to use them. Imagine you’re a man and a woman sends you a text message that says “I want you in the garden now”. Without punctuation, there’s really no way of knowing whether she wants to have dirty vegetable sex (“I want you. In the garden. Now.”), she wants you to landscape her yard (“I want you in the garden. Now.”), or if she is going to murder you and lay you to rot in a shallow grave to one day decompose and fertilize her petunias (“I WANT YOU IN THE GARDEN. NOW!!!”). In reality, it could be a combination of the three. Although in fairness, that last one could just be from a woman who is just extremely passionate about gardening.
DON’T: Use Abbreviations
When using obscure abbreviations, or ones that are just so dumb their utilization should come with a jail sentence, there is a risk that the recipient of the text message either misinterprets what you are trying to say, or ends up wanting to punch you in the ear. Or both. YOLO? I was unaware Yugoslavians order omelets of such great size. I’ll be sure to buy more eggs if one visits. ROTFL? Stand up and stop laughing. You’re causing a scene. CUNT? I’ll be seeing you next Tuesday? Will that be to check and see how your ear is healing?
DO: Send Dirty Pictures
In an age where no one knows how to communicate in person because we all text so much, the ways of courtship and flirtation have gone the way of Whitney Houston.
…Too soon? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that in a gruesome way. Not like in a “face down in the bathtub” kind of way. You know what, I should stop, that was over the line. Crap, sorry. I didn’t mean “line” like a line of cocaine on a coffee table. I meant there’s a boundary that one shouldn’t cross. Oh god. I don’t mean cross like she was angry because she was black. Let me try this again…
In an age where no one knows how to communicate in person because we all text so much, the ways of courtship and flirtation have gone the way of Osama Bin Laden. So I guess what I’m saying is we’ve shot face-to-face flirtation in the eye and stolen its pornography. Because of this forced extinction, we need an alternative way to try to get laid. The solution? Sending dirty pictures to those we’d like to make sex with. A picture is worth a thousand words, so get creative and find just the right to say “IIIIIIIIII will always love yooooouuuuuu.”
DON’T: Send Dirty Pictures to the Wrong Person
Only two things can come from this: 1) Getting jailed for exposing oneself to a minor, or 2) getting a return text message from your mother that says something to the effect of “My goodness it really hasn’t grown much since I was changing your diapers, has it?” And number two means that either you have a tiny penis, or you were still routinely shitting in diapers until very recently. Neither of those are good things.
DO: Drunk Text
I’m going to give it to your straight. Drunken texting can ruin your relationships and your reputation. However, sometimes the worst decisions can make the best stories. It’s possible you won’t enjoy hearing the stories, but god dammit the rest of us will love it. So go get silly drunk, take out your phone, and start sending ridiculous texts until you need to ask Siri to take a shower because you vomited on her.
DON’T: Text While Driving
If you type text messages while driving I’m going to hunt you down, squirt buffalo sauce in your eyes, and put your thumbs in a Chinese finger trap that’s filled with feces and regret. Simple as that.
DO: Be Descriptive When Putting Names in Your Phone
While this one is more of a general cell phone rule, if not done properly the effects on your text life could be disastrous. When inputting names into your phone, it’s a good idea to be as descriptive as possible. Things like “Ricky Hamilton” and “5’7” Blonde from McGreevey’s” will keep you out of trouble. Having three people named “Jill,” on the other hand could potentially cause an issue. Don’t be the guy that tries to text their girlfriend Jill asking for a round of hot, rowdy boot-knocking and get a response from your boss Jill saying you need to come in Monday prepared to talk about your employment status. You’re probably getting fired. And if not, you’re probably getting a promotion, so long as you come into work prepared to show your sex-deprived boss Jill that you’re great at following directions and pleasing the people working under you.
DON’T: Substitute a Number for a Word
There are many words in the English language that make people cringe. Walk into a room and yell things like “moist,” “ointment,” “secretion,” or “bomb” and you’ll clear that room out right quick. Therefore, these words should be used as sparingly as possible. Words that aren’t necessary to exclude, however, include “to,” “for,” and “ate.” So the next time you try to plan a date via text message for the following day and type “2morrow” as if typing one extra key would have crippled you with carpel tunnel, keep in mind that your significant other may stop loving you due to your loose grasp on the English language, as well as physical objects in general.
Get it?….loose grasp?.…’cause of the carpel tunnel?
….Yeah, I’m ending it on that.