Sunday, June 17, 2012

An Ode to Non-Fathers Day

Do you like my mustache, ladies? Too bad, you can't have it. (Image)
In 1972, Father’s Day was celebrated as an official national holiday in the United States for the first time.  Seen as a landmark equal rights victory by many men who were most likely not married or fathers, the day became an official holiday over 58 years after the inauguration of Mother’s Day by that pussy-whipped feminist Woodrow Wilson.  And while many fathers across the country and across the world have made countless positive impacts worthy of praise, let’s not pretend that they are not without their flaws.  Fathers have overshadowed many other men throughout history, and have made life a virtually thankless journey for those who have chosen not to reproduce, or, through the cruel process of natural selection, have had nature choose that path for them.  You know, because they're ugly.

Fathers, while certainly an important part of a child’s life, are not infallible.  Before crowning them as kings and kissing their feet, we cannot forget their potential for harm and wrongdoing.  Fathers have, among other misdeeds, raped, killed, and stolen, and are at least partly to blame for the Holocaust, Osama Bin Laden, and Justin Bieber.  Fathers have refused to tell us they are proud of us.  They have forgotten to call on our birthdays.  Fathers have drank too much and thrown up on the kitchen floor, and then used the cat to wipe it up.  I can’t prove that last one, but sometimes we just need to play the numbers and rest assured that based on probability, a drunken father has, at some point, used the family pet as a ShamWow.  It’s a statistical fact.

On this Father’s Day, I think it’s appropriate that we move beyond the fairy tale ruse that we have created.  Not all fathers deserve a day in their honor, and there are plenty of non-fathers that are worth acknowledging.  Plenty of prominent men have sworn off reproduction, and still more of these men haven’t sexually abused the defenseless young children from whom unwavering and, in retrospect, unfortunate trust was bestowed upon them.  Nikola Telsa—scientist, engineer, inventor, and front-runner for “guy you should probably Google if you’re bored”—was famously celibate.  He is credited with inventing the alternating current (AC), often isn’t credited for inventing the light bulb, and is not mentioned on the Wikipedia page as an influence for the heavy metal rock band AC/DC.  Sir Isaac Newton, grand master of gravity and, therefore, the indirect inventor of skydiving and soap box derbies, dedicated himself to intellectual discovery and held onto his V-card until the day he died.

Just as fathers should be held responsible for their actions, non-fathers should be trumpeted for the things that they don’t do.  No non-father has even driven his daughter to become a stripper.  A non-father has never missed a baseball game because he had to work late.  And a non-father has never gotten his child drunk at a neighborhood barbeque after feeding said child a few shots of whiskey just to shut them up.
But just as today’s non-fathers avoid screwing up a child’s life, they can also perform noble deeds and provide valuable services.  Non-fathers support the prophylactic industry, and potentially the abortion industry, which I would assume is not technically considered to be part of the prophylactic industry.  I, as a non-father, provide valuable advice which helps the general public make difficult decisions.  Non-fathers also prevent birth defects, juvenile diabetes, and women getting fat and crazy.  Once again, I’m simply stating statistical facts.

So if I may, I’d like to propose a toast to the non-fathers.  You keep our populations down and our spirits high.  So raise your glasses and drink.  And do so with the knowledge that no matter what you do with the alcohol in your hand, it is physically impossible to inebriate your child with it in hopes of a few minutes of peace and quiet.


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