Friday, August 10, 2012

Wake the Fuck Up

Last summer I was perusing the bookshelves at Barnes & Noble and stumbled across a book in the bestseller section that caught my attention.  It was a tongue-in-cheek bedtime story written from the point of view of a frustrated parent.  The story was called "Go the Fuck to Sleep", and it pissed me off.

I read through the story without a hint of amusement.  That book, I later learned, had debuted at #1 on the New York Times Bestseller list, and I was convinced I could have written the shit out of it.  You know...if I had thought of it first.

I endlessly lamented that missed opportunity for a year.  However, I eventually came to terms with the fact that I had never been a parent, and therefore had not experienced what it was like to make a child shut its adorable little face and got to bed.  Nor did I have any memories of being a child that refused to slumber.  But I do have recollection of being a teenager, and what a pain in the nuts I probably was when I declined to drag my ass out of bed in the morning.  So, for the sake of a sequel, I present to you my contribution to frustrated parents of lazy teenagers everywhere.  Read in the voice of Morgan Freeman for maximum enjoyment.

"Wake the Fuck Up"

The birds have long been chirping today
And thrice now coffee has filled my cup,
As I sit here and ponder any possible way
I can get you to wake the fuck up.

This used to take no effort at all
After four hours of sleep you were screaming,
Now into slumber you easily fall,
But won’t wake the fuck up and stop dreaming.

Your lunch has been packed and your clothes have been folded
But still I can hear your alarm snoozing,
So I swear on your Xbox, if you don’t wake the fuck up
They may charge me with child abusing.

As I climb up the stairs and walk down the hall
I hear snoring and farts fill the silence.
When I open your door and witness your sprawl
I try to think of alternatives to violence.

I take a minute to remember all the naps you opposed
Back when you were a wee little pup.
But with your mouth gaping open and your eyes tightly closed,
These days you won’t wake the fuck up.

I look at your face laid in a puddle of drool
And debate water, loud noise, or bright light.
Just wake the fuck up. You’re again late for school.
Stop texting your girlfriend until midnight.

Your phone buzzes loudly and softly you mumble,
But even still you remain unawake.
As I read the new message my thoughts are conflicted,
These words could make any man humble.

But you’ve caused me much grief and I’m sick of this shit,
Getting the fuck up really can’t be this hard.
You’re stupid, you’re lazy, you teenage twit,
And when you read this text you’ll be scarred.

I nudge you with force and you finally come to,
And I shove the phone into your face.
“OMG I’m pregnant” your girlfriend had said.
Don’t you wrap it up when rounding third base?

You dumb little turd, you gave me your word,
You’d be responsible when it came to the ladies,
But your world’s upside down now and the future is changed,
Because you went ahead and filled it with babies.

I’ll be there to support you but I’m true when I say,
I’ll smirk when I sip coffee from this cup.
Because when that little Shit's crying while in your bed you’ll be lying
You’ll have no choice but to wake the fuck up.

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