Thursday, November 22, 2012

Local Turkey Wondering Where the Hell Everybody Went

An area turkey was reportedly seen wandering around aimlessly today wondering where the hell everybody went.

The turkey, who goes by Marty, says that he has fallen out of touch with many of his friends and family over the past weeks and months, and in recent days has not seen or heard from anyone.

“It’s to the point that I’m wondering if I’m actually supposed to be a migratory bird and no one ever told me,” Marty said to reporters today while not covered in gravy.  “Every year when the leaves change and it begins to get cold all of my peers seem to start disappearing.”

Marty, whose giblets were still securely housed within his body, has reportedly sought information from others in the avian community, but has largely been met with silence and cold shoulders, but surprisingly, is currently not being served with a side of mashed potatoes.

“I haven’t seen my friend Andy in over two weeks,” Marty continued with a voice that was not muffled by cranberry sauce.  “Last I heard from him he was suffering from paranoia, hiding in an attic whispering vague warnings about someone wanting to put him in an oven.  Just complete nonsense, you know?”

When asked how he felt about his current situation, Marty was dejected, stating that he found it tough to imagine having a worse day than he was today as he walked away from reporters and a gust of wind blew his blaze orange hat from atop his head.

A few seconds later, several cars were heard backfiring in rapid succession.

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