Friday, January 27, 2012

Haiku the News 1/20-1/27

It has come to my attention recently that when I write I tend to write a lot.  I'm a man with a great deal of feelings on matters that are often completely irrelevant to our daily lives.  And to get these feelings out, it's often necessary for me to challenge the attention span of any of my readers and perhaps ramble to the point that I get questions such as "How is it possible that the Snuggie could bother you this much?".

Honestly, have you seen the goddamn thing?  It's ridi-

No, no, now isn't the time for that.  I understand that people's lives are complicated.  And because of that, many of us like to simplify complex ideas into 140 characters or less.  And while that's neither intellectually or grammatically a good idea, I understand the temptation.  So to make it up to all of you, I've decided to start speaking your language: Japanese.

Starting today, every Friday I will begin summarizing the top stories from the past week, each one in the format of a haiku poem.  Only 17 syllables.  It's the Twitter of Japanese poetry. (Sorry, Japanese poetry.)  So to all of you who can't ever seem to know what's going on in the world because news stories are too long and complicated, and to all of you that just can't comprehend something unless it has a rhyme scheme or poetic structure, this is my attempt to keep you informed.  So with that said, I present to you the news in haikus....


Domestic Affairs

Newt wins primary,
Then leaves South Carolina.
...They all have cancer.


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Toddlers and Mother F***ing Tiaras

Image
Knowledge is one of the most valuable and beautiful gifts that we can give ourselves in this world.

Ghandi once said "Live as if you were to die tomorrow.  Learn as if you were to live forever."  And while these words are so profound I put them on a sticky note next to my alarm clock in college in hopes it would motivate me to get my ass out of bed on time, there is something that peaceful little son of a bitch forgot to mention about knowledge.

Some things, no matter how hard you try, you just can't unlearn.

Sure, there are some things, such as the Snuggie, that make me a bit cranky.  But if I was in a freezing car, broken down on the side of the road in the middle of a blizzard and needed to stay warm to stave off possible hypothermia, would I wrap myself in a Snuggie to keep warm?  Of course not.  But I wouldn't blame someone else if they did.  Do what you need to do to to stay alive.  But maybe just plan ahead next time and have a bathrobe handy instead.  Or, you know....real clothes.

There are a few things, however, that when I research them send me into a fit of pale Irish fury so severe that I have difficulty forming complete sentences out loud.  Luckily, this blog is all about the written word, so I will do my best to articulate in writing the heaping pile of bullshit I have just discovered courtesy of the interwebs.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Snug Life: How The General Public's Inexplicable Difficulties With Using A Blanket Properly Has Ruined Fashion Forever



With this TV Hat I can watch my hemorrhaging social life from the comfort of my own headgear!
For those that are not aware, the Snuggie and I have a special relationship; sort of in the way that arsonists have a special relationship with the things they light on fire.

Until several years ago, I was a mild-tempered, carefree young man that viewed the world through a lens of happiness, rainbows, and butterflies.  I saw unique beauty in everything around me, no matter how small and no matter how simple.

At this point, you're probably tempted to ask for a list of all the hallucinogenic drugs I must have been taking at the time.  But in reality, I was just a na├»ve person that had not yet had my innocence turned around backwards, marketed as the new trendy solution to warmth and coziness, and whored out to everyone with a drafty living room and a lack of critical thinking skills.

Ever since I began this unnecessary, but personal feud with the Snuggie, I have grown increasingly cynical and sarcastic towards the things in this world that I find to be absolutely ridiculous.  I can't hold down a job, my personal relationships have suffered, I have nightmares, and I spend some of my days conducting cursory research on potential writing topics, all the while knowing that it likely won't result in anything more than me writing a depressingly elaborate poop joke.

All those things notwithstanding, the Snuggie's most inexcusable influence lies in what it has done to the fashion industry.  For those who haven't fallen into the trap of thinking that skinny jeans are more of a replacement for dieting than they are a piece of clothing that leaves very little to the imagination, the Snuggie's influence has opened the door for many new methods for clothing oneself.  Since the "invention" of the Snuggie, fashion has gotten lazier, frumpier, and fleecier, but to my knowledge, no more flame-retardant.  For those of you who have managed to remain oblivious to these concerning trends, I would like to highlight some of the recently introduced pieces of clothing that make me want to set their wearers aflame.