Haiku the News: 2/11/12 - 2/17/12

Important Haiku About The Week's News

I had shit to do
this week.  Write your own goddamn
Japanese poems.

Haiku the News: 2/4 - 2/10

MMMMM...Frothy...  (Credit: Gage Skidmore)

Another week, and yet another collection of irresponsibly oversimplified news stories from the past seven days.  Feel free to click all those news links I hid amongst the poems.  It'll be like an easter egg hunt, except the easter eggs are Japanese poetry and the stuff inside is knowledge.  Tasty, delicious knowledge...



Our Frothy Future President?

Santorum wins three
states.  I guess no one in those
states have Googled him...




To Stop Gay Marriage, Go Straight to the Source

Prop 8 overturned.
Husbands, wives agree to stop
making gay babies.

Haiku the News 1/28 - 2/3

Links provided for those who don't think they can get the whole story in only 17 syllables (...this is why the Japanese are better than us).



White Guilt History Month Weather Report

Phil predicts six more
winter weeks, runs from shadow.
Shadows are Black.  Racist.

Local Badger Sees Shadow, Demands Respect

The weather-predicting badger, likely defecating behind a plant (Image)

An area badger is up in arms today after news that the suspiciously timeless Punxsutawney Phil--the Pennsylvania groundhog that has attempted to predict the coming of Spring every February 2nd since 1887--declared vaguely that Winter would continue 6 more weeks this year.

The badger, who doesn't have a name, because he's a fucking badger, is disputing Phil's prediction this year on the grounds of flawed prediction methods and historical inaccuracy.

A Brief History of Groundhog Day

I think Punxsutawney Phil just stared into my soul and made it shit itself (Image)

Every year on February 2nd, people all over North America emerge from their homes and gather to honor an age-old tradition.  This tradition, which is practiced in towns stretching from Texas to Canada, lends an ear to a minority whose words are not often heard, and extends a large, figurative middle finger to meteorologists all over the world.

Groundhog Day, a tradition that has taken an especially firm stranglehold on the small community of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania since 1886, relies on whether or not local groundhogs see their shadow upon exiting their burrows on the morning of February 2nd.  On a deeper level, the tradition's foundation teeters precariously on whether or not a groundhog understands what a shadow is.

Many mammals compete to be the face of Groundhog Day.  Those vying for the holiday spotlight (...the Sun) include Wiarton Willie from Ontario, Shubenacadie Sam from Nova Scotia, Staten Island Chuck, Bill Murray, and the "Prairie Prognosticator" Balzac Billy, whose name sounds suspiciously like a scrotum.