Sunday, June 17, 2012

An Ode to Non-Fathers Day


Do you like my mustache, ladies? Too bad, you can't have it. (Image)
In 1972, Father’s Day was celebrated as an official national holiday in the United States for the first time.  Seen as a landmark equal rights victory by many men who were most likely not married or fathers, the day became an official holiday over 58 years after the inauguration of Mother’s Day by that pussy-whipped feminist Woodrow Wilson.  And while many fathers across the country and across the world have made countless positive impacts worthy of praise, let’s not pretend that they are not without their flaws.  Fathers have overshadowed many other men throughout history, and have made life a virtually thankless journey for those who have chosen not to reproduce, or, through the cruel process of natural selection, have had nature choose that path for them.  You know, because they're ugly.

Fathers, while certainly an important part of a child’s life, are not infallible.  Before crowning them as kings and kissing their feet, we cannot forget their potential for harm and wrongdoing.  Fathers have, among other misdeeds, raped, killed, and stolen, and are at least partly to blame for the Holocaust, Osama Bin Laden, and Justin Bieber.  Fathers have refused to tell us they are proud of us.  They have forgotten to call on our birthdays.  Fathers have drank too much and thrown up on the kitchen floor, and then used the cat to wipe it up.  I can’t prove that last one, but sometimes we just need to play the numbers and rest assured that based on probability, a drunken father has, at some point, used the family pet as a ShamWow.  It’s a statistical fact.