Missouri Congressman Baffled That His Brain Doesn't Secrete Substance That Makes Him Shut the Hell Up

Missouri Congressman Todd Akin (Image)

Missouri Congressman Todd Akin (R) released a statement today expressing his sincere confusion in regards to the inner workings of the human brain.

Akin, who angered many Americans this past weekend when he said that the female body is unable to conceive a child when legitimately raped, expressed genuine concern about his remarks.

"For me to state that a woman's body shuts down all reproductive processes when being raped was both troubling and confusing," Akin said.  "The fact that my brain did not secrete some sort of chemical to prevent these words from audibly exiting my face is extremely disconcerting."

Akin, a 65-year-old U.S. Representative challenging Democrat Claire McCaskill for her seat in the U.S. Senate this November, asked for privacy during this difficult time.

Wake the Fuck Up

Last summer I was perusing the bookshelves at Barnes & Noble and stumbled across a book in the bestseller section that caught my attention.  It was a tongue-in-cheek bedtime story written from the point of view of a frustrated parent.  The story was called "Go the Fuck to Sleep", and it pissed me off.

I read through the story without a hint of amusement.  That book, I later learned, had debuted at #1 on the New York Times Bestseller list, and I was convinced I could have written the shit out of it.  You know...if I had thought of it first.

I endlessly lamented that missed opportunity for a year.  However, I eventually came to terms with the fact that I had never been a parent, and therefore had not experienced what it was like to make a child shut its adorable little face and got to bed.  Nor did I have any memories of being a child that refused to slumber.  But I do have recollection of being a teenager, and what a pain in the nuts I probably was when I declined to drag my ass out of bed in the morning.  So, for the sake of a sequel, I present to you my contribution to frustrated parents of lazy teenagers everywhere.  Read in the voice of Morgan Freeman for maximum enjoyment.

"Wake the Fuck Up"