Thursday, December 12, 2013

Should You Post That on the Internet?

Since last week's informative teaching tool was obscured with things like sarcasm, satire, and comparing the internet to herpes, this week we explore a straight-forward, no-frills way to determine if that thing that you're planning on posting on the internet is something that you should actually post on the internet.  Complete with arrows so you won't get lost.  If you do get lost, just assume you shouldn't post things on the internet.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Kids, We Need to Talk About the Internet

Thaddeus, Abigael, sit down.  I think we should talk.

Could you put your cell phones down while we talk, please?

No, I'm serious.  Guys, put down the phones.  In fact, turn off the ringers; I want your undivided attention.  Come on, and the notifications too.  Honestly, guys.  Just shove them under a pillow or something and don't look at them.  Five minutes.  That's all I ask.  I promise the resulting twitching will stop eventually.

Where do I even start?  I'm mostly very proud of you two.  You're both starting to grow up to become mature young adults.  I can't wait to support you guys as you try new things, stretch your comfort zones, and hopefully not end up like Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber.  Thaddeus, you just made the football team, which will teach you discipline, the values of teamwork, and what two or three undiagnosed concussions feel like.  Abigael, you've dived head first into your art classes and been involved in a lot of neat stuff.  I'm so proud of your ability to express yourself in such unique ways, even if it will most likely interfere with your ability to pay rent for decades to come.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

11 Ways to Make The Perfect Buzzfeed List

1.) Exploit Feelings of Nostalgia

Fun fact: William Daniels, who played Mr. Feeny on Boy Meets World, is 86 years old.  Also, you're 15 years removed from the days where you spent the afternoon watching Cory and Topanga make you believe in true love, and you now fill your days working long hours to pay off your crippling student loan debt while trying not to look in the mirror or acknowledge that the easy, carefree times in your life are a distant, cruel, taunting memory...

2.) Exploit Feelings of Insecurity

6 Ways To Get Rid Of Your Ugly, Sagging Arm Jowls

Thursday, July 4, 2013

How to Be More American Than Your Friends

Be as American this bald eagle today. (Image)

It’s almost Independence Day.

And on Independence Day almost 240 years ago, our Founding Fathers scrawled their signatures onto a document and implored both current and future citizens of this great nation to embrace freedom and independence from a country that has never seen a piece of land it didn’t want to invade.  Over two centuries later, we celebrate this schism from the British on July 4th with all things that are quintessentially American.

Keeping with tradition, the holiday is typically celebrated with three things unfailingly characteristic of the country: grilling meat, American flags, and explosions.  However, in recent years, I’ve noticed people around me trying to take their patriotism to the next level.  They are the inevitable one guy or girl who didn’t think it was enough to wave a tiny flag or have some red, white, and blue in their clothing’s color scheme.  Instead, they show up wearing leather American flag leggings or duck tape two Budweiser’s to the side of their star-spangled Ray Bans in an effort to prove that your meager Holiday Patriotism isn’t fit to sniff their Holiday Patriotism’s farts.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Why Mocking "Boston Strong" in Sports Crosses the Line

Cubby Tees

I was halfway around the world when the two bombs exploded at the Boston Marathon.  It was three o’ clock in the morning where I was, and I spent the rest of the night trying to get in touch with any family and friends whom I thought may have been nearby, knowing that at the very least this would be a rude awakening for many people like myself who have only seen tragedy on a mass scale in the newspapers of other cities and other countries around the world.

Having lived in Boston for over five years of my life now, and growing up less than an hour outside the city, many different facets of this city have shaped who I am.  I call a milkshake a “frappe,” a water fountain a “bubbler,” and the Boston Red Sox broke my heart until well into my teenage years.  To this day, there are only a few things that can bring tears to my eyes, and highlights of the 2004 Red Sox playoff run are fairly high on that list.

What happened at the marathon this year did not closely affect me.  I had friends who were avid runners that were near the blast site when the bombs went off.  I knew others who worked in the area and had to be evacuated.  However, no one I knew well or loved dearly was physically hurt.  In fact, as is the case with most tragedies I hear about on the news, the one that occurred on Marathon Monday did not properly resonate with me until I found myself in Copley Square last weekend and took the time to see the memorial that has been placed there since the attack.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Six Months After 2012 Elections, Campaign Contributions Still Have Not Cured Cancer

Obama and Romney presumably fist bumping a tumor into submission (Image)

Now more than six months removed from the 2012 United States presidential election, the billions of dollars in campaign contributions raised during the lead-up to voting day have yet to cure cancer, a new study reports.

The study, conducted by the American Center for Political Medicine, or ACPM, used financial records, medical statistics, and insurance claim history to investigate the efficacy of using political campaign funds to cure debilitating terminal illness.

Despite the estimated $5.8 billion overall cost of the election, no reported progress has been made in regards to stemming the growth of the often lethal disease that will likely affect over 40% of American citizens in their lifetime.

While the study did determine that the nearly $1.2 billion raised between President Obama and Mitt Romney had no measureable effect on the prevalence of cancer in the U.S., it did not offer an explanation as to why so many Americans continued to wither away and become financial and emotional burdens on their families all while charitable donations were clearly so widespread in 2012.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Pope Benedict XVI Having Trouble Readjusting to Fallibility

Benedict XVI is consoled after realizing he may start losing at Jeopardy. (Image)

VATICAN CITY – After spending nearly eight years as the Roman Catholic pontiff, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI has spent the two weeks since his resignation from the highest position in the Catholic Church struggling with the notion that he is no longer infallible, according to sources close to the situation.

Benedict XVI, who enjoyed almost a decade during which he could express opinions with the confidence that they were indisputably correct, has reportedly found his renewed imperfection troubling and inconvenient.

“It’s truly sad to see how far he’s fallen,” said a source with knowledge of the former Pope’s descent into the hopelessly ordinary ability to have faults.  “Just the other day I watched him absolutely butcher a crossword puzzle.  I mean it’s one thing to be the one true mouthpiece for our Lord and Savior, but ask the guy to think of a six letter word for 'prophylactic' and he’ll sit there and scribble 'abstinence' until he’s just about ready to piss in his robes.”

Sunday, February 3, 2013

A Page From the Diary of Punxsutawney Phil

Looks like it's gonna be 6 more weeks of look-for-your-own-fucking-shadow (Image)
Saturday, February 2nd, 2013

Dear Diary,

It’s here again.  It’s that day where they drag me from my home and grope me in front of everyone.

I’m starting to forget what things were like before they captured me.  For the first few years of my life I was a free groundhog.  I spent my days scurrying about, munching on berries, alfalfa, and maybe the occasional grasshopper if I was feeling adventurous.  That’s what us groundhogs do, we scurry.  Sure, that’s kind of a gay way to travel, but it works for us.  Besides, back in the day I used to pull so much hoary marmot tail that I got nicknamed the “Whistle-Pig.”  I never understood why they called me that, but it’s neither here nor there.  The take home message of this paragraph is that bitches love my scurryin’.