Thursday, March 14, 2013

Pope Benedict XVI Having Trouble Readjusting to Fallibility

Benedict XVI is consoled after realizing he may start losing at Jeopardy. (Image)

VATICAN CITY – After spending nearly eight years as the Roman Catholic pontiff, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI has spent the two weeks since his resignation from the highest position in the Catholic Church struggling with the notion that he is no longer infallible, according to sources close to the situation.

Benedict XVI, who enjoyed almost a decade during which he could express opinions with the confidence that they were indisputably correct, has reportedly found his renewed imperfection troubling and inconvenient.

“It’s truly sad to see how far he’s fallen,” said a source with knowledge of the former Pope’s descent into the hopelessly ordinary ability to have faults.  “Just the other day I watched him absolutely butcher a crossword puzzle.  I mean it’s one thing to be the one true mouthpiece for our Lord and Savior, but ask the guy to think of a six letter word for 'prophylactic' and he’ll sit there and scribble 'abstinence' until he’s just about ready to piss in his robes.”

Since the resignation of a Pope is rare, many have found it difficult to put Benedict XVI’s readjustment to imperfection into the proper context.  No one has abdicated the papacy since Gregory XII did in 1415, and records show that subsequent to his forced resignation, Gregory XII went mad and was found weeks later in a nearby forest presiding as religious leader over twelve squirrels, a smattering of crows, and a spruce tree.

“While we expect that the Pope Emeritus will make a successful shift into his renewed fallibility, his congregation will have to be patient,” said a spokesman for Benedict XVI.  “Not that any of you Godless, sinful, heathens could ever understand, but making a transition away from literally never being capable of saying or doing anything wrong takes some time, and the Church hopes that the congregation will exercise patience alongside their well-deserved helpings of daily guilt and shame.”

While reports that Benedict XVI has been sitting at a computer for three straight days trying to remember his email password could not be confirmed at press time, several credible sources have reported that the former Pope is considering spending much of his time in restaurants and retail stores while he re-acclimates to his depressingly normal imperfections.

A Vatican spokesperson has confirm that the retired pontiff is at least happy to be able to retain his chosen name, because having to go back to being called Joseph Ratzinger would be a real “calcitrare in nuces.”

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