Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Six Months After 2012 Elections, Campaign Contributions Still Have Not Cured Cancer

Obama and Romney presumably fist bumping a tumor into submission (Image)

Now more than six months removed from the 2012 United States presidential election, the billions of dollars in campaign contributions raised during the lead-up to voting day have yet to cure cancer, a new study reports.

The study, conducted by the American Center for Political Medicine, or ACPM, used financial records, medical statistics, and insurance claim history to investigate the efficacy of using political campaign funds to cure debilitating terminal illness.

Despite the estimated $5.8 billion overall cost of the election, no reported progress has been made in regards to stemming the growth of the often lethal disease that will likely affect over 40% of American citizens in their lifetime.

While the study did determine that the nearly $1.2 billion raised between President Obama and Mitt Romney had no measureable effect on the prevalence of cancer in the U.S., it did not offer an explanation as to why so many Americans continued to wither away and become financial and emotional burdens on their families all while charitable donations were clearly so widespread in 2012.

“I regret ever donating to the Obama campaign,” said Janice Byam, a 76-year-old woman from Altoona, Pennsylvania currently fighting a losing battle with lung cancer.  “In fairness, I understand that I should also regret smoking cigarettes for 46 years, marrying my first three husbands, and spending over $12,000 on Beanie Babies, but it doesn’t change that I expect my money to be put to good use when I make a political donation in lieu of paying my chemotherapy bills.”

Timmy Davies, a 6-year-old patient at the Boston Children’s Hospital in Massachusetts, was unable to answer questions because of the enormous tumor crushing his windpipe, but a hospital psychologist commented that his crayon drawings seem to indicate hesitancy about donating to a political campaign if he lives long enough to meet the minimum voting age.

In response to the study, 38% of those polled primarily blame Obamacare for the failure of political funds to eradicate cancer.  An additional 46% thought the Citizens United Supreme Court ruling was mostly to blame.  The remaining 16% of respondents thought that the Obama Administration was trying to take their guns away so that they would be unable to cure cancer themselves via shooting tumors off of their loved ones.

“The fact that $5.8 billion dollars—an almost unfathomable number—were spent on this election and cancer is not any closer to being cured is either a staggering political failure or a testament to the staying-power cancer has developed both in our society and in our vital organs,” suggests Carl Griffin, Chairman of the ACPM.  “To put that in perspective, if I had $5.8 billion dollars I could buy the billion-dollar digital music service Spotify thrice…twice,” Griffin added confusingly.

Griffin went on to describe that if you had $5.8 billion dollar bills, you could cover the entire surface of the Earth 8 million times “and still have approximately 505,000 bills left to wipe your ass with.”

After learning the results of the study, the ACPM has expressed interest in launching a campaign urging congressional members to donate hair to American cancer patients experiencing hair loss from undergoing chemotherapy.

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