Thursday, February 27, 2014

50 Shades of Grey

Chainmail: Effectively protects against swords, arrows, and sexual intercourse (Image).
1.) Grey

2.) Light Grey

3.) Heather Grey

4.) Dark Grey

5.) Medium Granite

6.) Non-Blue Steel

7.) Muted Silver

8.) Sun-faded Asphalt

9.) No. 2 Ticonderoga Graphite

10.) Salad Fork

11.) Moon

12.) Pale Charcoal

13.) Rhodium

14.) Hound Bus

15.) Mid-life Crisis Grey

16.) George Clooney Grey

17.) Smog

18.) Frostbite Grey

19.) No, Seriously, You Should Really Get That Checked Out Grey

20.) Ominous Cumulonimbus

21.) Corpse

22.) Area of Ambiguity

23.) Charging, Rabid Rhinoceros

24.) Midnight Alabaster

25.) Macbook Pro

26.) Fresh, Unstabbed Chainmail

27.) Penitentiary Razor Wire

28.) Sharknado

29.) Shamelessly Gratuitous Sex Scene Shown In Black And White To Make It Seem Artistic

30.) SQUIRREL!

31.) Crushed Political Opposition Grey

32.) Albino Black Hole

33.) Jersey Barrier

34.) Monochromatic Double Rainbow

35.) Volcano Ejaculate

36.) Patient Gunpowder

37.) Adolescent Despair

38.) Amputated Wolf Paw

39.) Smoke From A Burning Orphanage

40.) London

41.) That Liam Neeson Movie

42.) Dust Bunny

43.) Melted Zebra

44.) Anderson Cooper's Brooding Love Gaze

45.) Robot Blood

46.) Laundry Lint Laced With Traces of Sweatshop Tears

47.) Poached Elephant

48.) Really Good Platinum

49.) Really Bad Steak

50.) That Travesty of Writing by E.L. James

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Area Man Inconsolable After Learning He Likes a One Direction Song

Image Credit
OLYMPIA, WA -- An area man is beside himself with grief Thursday after learning that a song he recently took a liking to is actually "Story of My Life" sung by the British boy band One Direction.

Witnesses say that Phillip Larson has not left his home since Monday night after conducting an internet search of lyrics he heard on the radio some hours before.  A source close to the situation indicated that the search term in question was "these words will be written on my stone," while others insist via social media the phrase Larson Googled was more likely "which song should I listen to so that my balls will shrivel up into tiny little bitch raisins?"

Thursday, February 6, 2014

From the Diary of Vladimir Putin

Dear Diary,
Threateningly eying a rainbow at the World Economic Forum (Image)


I can't believe that the Olympics are finally here.  I'm so excited my hand was shaking this morning while I was drinking my glass of breakfast vodka.  My hand shakes like that every morning.  But I'm pretty sure today it was because of the excitement, as opposed to the tremors of nightly alcohol withdrawal which cause it most mornings.

I really hope the Olympics go well.  I know that aside from vodka, the Siberian Tiger, and Mila Kunis there are few perfect things in this world.  However, it is my hope that the Sochi Olympics could rival these things.  I had a dream last night that I shot a rainbow, so I think that's a good sign of things to come.  I hate rainbows.