Thursday, February 13, 2014

Area Man Inconsolable After Learning He Likes a One Direction Song

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OLYMPIA, WA -- An area man is beside himself with grief Thursday after learning that a song he recently took a liking to is actually "Story of My Life" sung by the British boy band One Direction.

Witnesses say that Phillip Larson has not left his home since Monday night after conducting an internet search of lyrics he heard on the radio some hours before.  A source close to the situation indicated that the search term in question was "these words will be written on my stone," while others insist via social media the phrase Larson Googled was more likely "which song should I listen to so that my balls will shrivel up into tiny little bitch raisins?"


Larson is reportedly a fan of a wide variety of music, ranging from alternative rock and hip hop to modern country, and is believed to have even listened to John Mayer in an attempt to sleep with a girl in college.  Friends say he takes great pride in his normally keen music sense, owns several vinyl records, and up until now had never given viable reason for others to believe that he is an adolescent girl.

"It's really put our relationship into serious doubt," said Larson's girlfriend, Maggie Watts, as she stared at a nearby mailman with a newly unsatisfied sexual hunger.  "It took a while for him to admit to me what had happened, and even when he did it was hard to understand him through the uncontrollable sobbing."

Friends say that Larson first heard the song while driving home from his job as an accountant and was wooed by its repetitive, melodic tones. It was not until he found himself humming the tune to the song while making a casserole, however, that he decided to search for the song on the internet.  Claims made on social media that Larson was preparing a gay-flavored casserole could not be substantiated by sources.

"I had always wondered about Phil, to be perfectly honest," said Larson's college roommate, Sam Haggerty.  "One time when he was drunk he admitted to me that he heard 'Call Me, Maybe' on the radio and turned the volume down--but not down so low that he couldn't still hear it a little.  I kept an eye on him, but he never made any mention of experimenting with shitty pop music after that."

According to reports, Larson has been sporadically experiencing the five stages of grief, and was said to be going through bouts of unhinged anger last night, allegedly screaming "How could you do this to me?!" at a signed picture of Eddie Vedder.  According to girlfriend Maggie Watts, she found him this morning rocking back and forth in the fetal position under the picture of Vedder, mumbling vague promises to listen to the new Pearl Jam album every day for a month in exchange for forgiveness.

"I'm really not sure how much longer I can bear to see him this way," said Watts while sorting through Larson's mail.  "A lot of his college friends have started sending him My Little Pony and posters of the Backstreet Boys."

Watts, along with some local residents close with Larson are reportedly planning a candlelight vigil to be held outside of his house this evening.  "All we ask is that people bring their love, support, and a candle which gives off a manly odor.  Candles that smell like gasoline, freshly-grilled steak, gunpowder, a hardware store, the sweat resulting from wrestling a rabid caribou, or any of the 8,000-meter peaks are greatly encouraged.  Those carrying candles which smell like vanilla, caramel, freshly-cut flowers, or literally any type of fruit will be asked to leave."

At press time Larson was reportedly doing that thing where you listen to a song over and over and over until you inevitably hate it.

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